Lovely
by TattooKitty
Summary: Deidara would do anything to be lovely. Saso/Dei. Eating Disorder, dark themes, and possible Lemon.
1. Twinkies

**Total: $23.95**

The neon green numbers flashed on the screen of the tiny cash-register that spewed out Deidara's total.

Truthfully the little register tortured him. He'd been saving his money for a while- and he'd mustered just enough to pay for this. In other words, this little machine was not hesitating to let him know _just how broke _he was about to be.

"Uhm..." Deidara shifted slightly, digging in his pockets as the guy in front of him repeated his total out loud with a questioning look laced across his features.

In all honesty Deidara hated little gas stations like this. He always had to put up with a ditzy little employee blowing bazooka-zooka bubble gum in his face with the smell of nicotine lingering uncomfortably in the air. Employees like that always mumbled making you stutter quiet "Huh?"s like some sort of child incapable of making a purchase on your own. Not to mention they took forever to give him his change, and Deidara hated having to wait for anything as trivial as that. But, Deidara suddenly decided that he could put up with the chicks- the _I could care less about what you buy _type of girl...

But,_ this guy_. He certainly wasn't lethargic- he stared at Deidara like he were some sort of abomination when the blonde had strewn his collection of goodies on the counter... Like he'd sprouted a second head. He'd never seen this red-head before... _"He must be a newbie" _Deidara thought, eyes scanning along the tiny name-tag on the guy's chest which read "Sasori". This Sasori guy would learn to accept it sooner or later. Deidara couldn't help but to examine Sasori skeptically. The guy had red hair... But he didn't have the typical "Red hair and freckles" look to him. He was tall- and his skin was milky white without a single imperfection- his hair was red, but it was almost unnaturally red.

It was blood red.

He might have claimed that he'd seen Sasori somewhere before if Deidara wasn't currently trembling beneath his questioning gaze like some sort of frightened child.

Though it was a bit unnerving to be judged for the items he bought, Deidara didn't blame him... People didn't typically spend almost twenty-four dollars on _shit. _

_But, shit had never tasted so good..._

"Keep the change." Deidara wheezed as he set the money on the counter in front of Sasori, His eyes lingered on the cashier carefully for a few moments longer as the red haired guy nodded and muttered a low careful 'thanks' and began the grueling task of bagging Deidara's bounty of groceries.

_Butterfingers, Laffy Taffy, Captain-Crunch, Twinkies, Powdered Donuts, Fruit Roll-Ups, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Ice Cream. Doritos, Funions, Jerky... _

The items never seemed to end as they were slowly set into the fragile plastic bag. He could hardly hold back the drool that threatened to cascade down the corners of his mouth.

_He could hardly wait to sink his teeth into a twinkie... To feel the icing coat the inside of his mouth... And dribble down his chin... He wanted to pour the captain crunch over his face and engorge himself with powdered donuts until his stomach exploded._

"So, are you having a party or something?" Sasori asked, his voice anchoring Deidara back to the sick little twisted reality he existed in.

"Yeah, un-" Deidara quickly spoke up.

Sasori's eyebrow raised at the 'un' and Deidara almost slapped himself when his speech impediment decided to rear its ugly head. "It's my uh- birthday." He lowered his gaze to the bag on the counter, his fingers clenching. before unintentionally adding another tiny "Yeah."

"Oh. It is?" The guy's suspicious tone had suddenly changed and he truly sounded interested. "Well then." He slid the money back towards Deidara, and a truly genuine smile found its way to his lips. The way Sasori's lips curved in perfect symmetry, and the way his eyes followed the example- softening as he tilted his head to the side made Deidara do a double take. How could anyone smile like that? How could anyone's entire face be infected with such a wonderful sincere little action? It left the young blonde confused and baffled, with a look of surprise scattered across his features.

_Deidara had never seen anything more beautiful._

"It's on me."

"Wh-what?" Deidara's voice seemed to do a pretty good job at showing how surprised he was.

"It's on me." Sasori repeated, proving himself by scooting the money Deidara had handed to him back towards the blonde. He winked, tilting his head to the side one last time.

"But..." Deidara began, his brow knitting together as a weird uneasy feeling settled in his gut.

"Don't worry about it, It's not like you're a stranger. I've seen you around school- I think we have study hall together... Besides, you look like you could use a twinkie or two. Go ahead, have fun at your party." As fast as it had infected Sasori's wonderful features... It was gone. The smile died away and Sasori's wonderful attention had been directed to the man with a twelve-pack of beer standing behind Deidara.

The blonde bit his lower lip tightening his fingers around the plastic bag filled with _shit._

The feeling of guilt almost crippled him as he stepped out of the tiny shop.

* * *

It had taken him exactly seven minutes to hustle down the busy street and push his way timidly past the people who were strolling down sidewalks, blocking Deidara from his destination.

When he'd finally made it, the blonde stared desperately at the dirty little structure in front of him, slowly reading the 'Oh so familiar' **Public Restroom **sign. Fortunately for Deidara nobody in their right mind used the public restroom. Fear of getting 'crabs' and other bathroom horror stories seemed to plague everyone's minds these days. Deidara had never been the overly-cautious type- and he had no intention of actually _using _the restroom.

He darted into the tiny room, closing the door behind him and sliding the little metal latch into place to lock the wooden door. He smiled when he was finally isolated from the world outside... From the curious glances and skeptical stares. He could give in to _it _now.

Deidara dropped the bag on the ground, feeling his stomach growl as his swell of food spilled out onto the dirty tiled floor. He might have cared about the germs if most of his food wasn't packaged, and if he wasn't too hungry to think rationally...

_Too hungry to feel guilty._

Though, deep in his mind... He knew the guilt would come soon enough.

He fell onto his knees, lurching forward as shaky fingers tore into the box of twinkies, they didn't seem to move fast enough- his brain didn't seem to send the signals for them to _"Open the goddamned wrapper!"_. He finally succeeded in unwrapped one and quickly stuffed the entire thing into his mouth. As the spongy little creation graced his taste-buds he moaned softly- silently agreeing that he could have wacked off to the taste of a twinky right now.

_Two-three- four- _five more twinkies later and he'd transitioned to using his fingers to scoop icecream out of the little jug. Though he liked icecream he never really got to enjoy it, mostly because he only had it when he was rushing like this... And because he always got brain-breeze from eating it too fast.

Candy, Donuts, chips... And dear sweet _fucking_ Captain Crunch.

It was all so good... He could have _died._

But, as his food supply began to dwindle away, and the minutes began to roll bye... Slowly bringing him closer and closer to feeling full. Deidara's crazed little 'stuff my face with everything I can find' rush slowly died away... And he was left nibbling...

Soon, nibbling passed and he was moaning in pain as his swollen stomach begged him to stop engorging. He literally could not take another bite of food. He felt like he was going to die.

_THIS, was when the guilt set in._

Deidara slowly lifted himself off of the grotesque floor he'd been rolling around on like some sort of pig. He used the porcelain counter-top to steady his shivering body... His binges hadn't always been this bad... But when they got to the point of him not even able to stand up without help- vomiting everything back up was painful. Deidara was not in for a pleasant experience.

Delicate fingers found their way to sallow skin as Deidara took in his reflection.

It had been a long time since he'd looked at himself... Mirrors weren't something he typically enjoyed having as company.

He ran his summoned fingers along the corner's of his lips, whipeing away the drool he couldn't even swallow anymore away. His visible eye was wide and uncertain with large black circles that told the story of him not getting enough sleep underneath his eyes like he'd taken halloween make-up and tried to make himself look hollow. His hair stuck to the corner of his lip remaining tragically unkept- looking ratty and thin. His skin was pasty and white- but what he _really _cared about were the tiny cheekbones that poked out of his face- making him look hawk-like.

He was not satisfied.

"I want to be lovely." He muttered out loud, watched with a strange sort of satisfaction as his lips formed the word.

"Lovely." He repeated himself, leaning in closer to the mirror so he could press his forehead against the reflective sheet, eyes wide as he watched his lips move yet again.

"Lovely."

As the word left his lips Deidara's body lurched towards the sink as he shoved a finger down his throat.

_He would be lovely, even if it killed him._

* * *

"Dei Dei? You home?"

Deidara cringed at the nickname as he slowly closed the door behind him.

"Yeah, I'm home- yeah." He didn't care about keeping his words straight when he was at home, they were used to his speech problems here.

"Dei!" A young childlike voice rang through the empty apartment as a little raven haired boy bounded towards the blonde and jumped up into his arms. Deidara 'oofed' as the foreign weight was added to his frame- causing him to lean forward a bit.

"Tobi, you're getting so big." He murmured, his visible eye widening. "You're gonna be huge one day!" He exclaimed with a smile as the young boy's smile widened.

Tobi. He was Deidara's brother.

Though they were not related by blood, Deidara had never felt closer to anyone in his entire life. Tobi was probably four or five years old. It was a bit hard to determine, seeing as Tobi could not remember his birthday. The young boy was sweet looking, but many people were often intimidated by the fact that he had a rare form of albinism which turned his left eye red. His other eye... His left one... Was hidden by an eye-patch. Tobi had been found in the rubble of a building during a large fire which wiped out his entire family- he'd been put up for adoption along with Deidara and the two of them had grown as thick as thin.

It was impossible to separate them. So, when Hidan came alone- he'd simply adopted both of them.

The little bundle wrapped his arms around Deidara's neck and buried his face into the blonde's chest. "Missed you." Was the low murmur given by the small boy.

"Missed you too, un. Were you alone all day?" Deidara asked softly, cringing when the boy nodded.

Hidan worked two jobs- and his boyfriend Kakuzu could have cared less about taking care of a little bundle of joy like Tobi.

Deidara cringed at the very idea of Kakuzu's name.

Hidan believed that their landlord was simply doing Hidan a personal favor by letting them stay in their apartment for free for the time-being. But, he didn't know that his boyfriend of two years was a nasty son of a bitch- who did everything in his power to make Deidara hate life itself.

If Hidan knew some of the things Kakuzu had made Deidara do... He wouldn't have stayed with the man a second longer. But, with countless threats from Kakuzu like "Tell anyone, and you can kiss your apartment goodbye." Deidara had taken it upon himself to remain silent. He couldn't do that to his adoptive father Hidan... he couldn't let Tobi live on the streets simply because it was too hard for Deidara to suffer a little. The two of them deserved so much better than a dirty life- all they needed was to get up off their feet... All Deidara needed was to graduate high-school and get his own job.

"Have you had anything to eat?"

"Hidan left me a pee-nut jelly sammich for lunch. He told me to tell you to make us supper." The smile across the dark haired boy was infectious, and it caused Deidara to smile as well.

"He told me to make you eat the supper too." The smile on Tobi's face didn't fade away- clearly showing that Tobi had no idea what was going on.

But, as fast as the smile had made it to Deidara's lips it had died away- being replaced by a stark frown. Deidara could feel his brow knit as he slowly set Tobi down. Hidan always worried about Deidara's eating habits- despite the fact that he wasn't home often he'd noticed the weight loss right off the bat and simply assumed Deidara was going through some hard times at school.

If Hidan really knew what was going on... He'd-

"Alright kid, Spaghetti Oes sound good to you?" He smiled. It would be no trouble to fool the kid into thinking that Deidara had eaten as well.

"Yeah!" The infectious smile returned as Deidara lead the boy into the kitchen.

"Yeah..." Deidara repeated softly.

* * *

Deidara moaned softly as he slowly collapsed onto the floor of his room. HIs eyes felt like they were made out of lead as they continued to droop- threatening to give in to the darkness that was singeing the corners of his vision.

"Fifty three push-ups." He mentally checked the last of his after binge workout routine.

He'd managed to dump his spaghetti Oes down the sink when Tobi was busy dining with his own little bowl full of the red meaty goodness.

He knew he'd pass out in the shower if he attempted to go clean himself off- and he didn't want to risk waking Tobi up. It was like Tobi were on a permanent candy-high... it took three bed-time stories for the kid's eyes to grow droopy and by the time he'd finally gotten to sleep it was probably eleven o'clock sharp.

Deidara couldn't have eaten a single bite of food- in fact the guilt would probably linger over his body for a good few weeks before he couldn't take starving himself any longer and he'd make another trip to the little store.

The store...

His mind slowly was drawn back to Sasori as he lifted himself off of the floor and laid on his bed. His eyes narrowed as a weird feeling in his chest suddenly swelled up.

He'd lied to Sasori- he'd told him it was his birthday.

The lie wouldn't have bothered him as much if Sasori hadn't taken it as far as to give him his groceries for free. He'd paid for Deidara to entertain his sick little desires- he'd paid for Deidara to harm himself... And he clearly thought he was doing a good deed.

Deidara's eyes widened at the possibility of Sasori getting in trouble for giving him his groceries for free. What if Sasori got fired because of Deidara!

The blonde covered his mouth and gasped at that idea. It was almost too horrible for him to accept.

But, deep in Deidara's mind. He knew it didn't matter- he knew he deserved to feel the inner torture of hurting someone so wonderful.

The road to become thin would be a rocky one- but it was one that Deidara needed to take. He would do anything to feel the tiny bumps of his spine... He would do anything to be as light as air. He would sell his very soul to satan to have skinny little legs- and what fueled him were the comments.

The comments where what made his day better.

The "Deidara, you look so thin." "Deidara, I bet I could lift you up with one arm." "Deidara you're so lucky! I wish I was as skinny as you!"

He wanted to hear more of them.

_"Besides, you look like you could use a twinkie or two." _Deidara's eyes widened slightly when he remembered what Sasori had said back in the little shop. He looked like he could use a twinky or two? The words made Deidara blush with satisfaction.

Suddenly sleep blanketed Deidara, and he finally gave in to the darkness that was taking hold of his body. He smiled in his sleep-

And as Deidara slowly drifted off into a sleep filled with dreams of twinkies and Red-heads... he silently decided that he couldn't wait for third period study-hall.


	2. Fate

A stark frown had spread across Hidan's features the moment he stepped into the soundless little kitchen inside the soundless little house.

His midnight shift at the grocery store ended at three, and since they lived so close to the supermarket he could be home fairly soon after he clocked out. Hidan liked working there, because not only did he get an employee discount on the simply necessities of life, but he also got to take home things for free- the things just barely passed the expiration date, but weren't fit to be sold.

And there was one thing he always took home with him, for Deidara.

_Cinnamon raisin bagels. _

They had always been the blonde's favorite. Every afternoon snack, every meal in between and Deidara had one in his mouth- a big sloppy smile spread across his face, clearly disregarding the fact that a plate was useless when it would be in his stomach sooner than on a plate. Sometimes eagerness prevented him from even toasting them- which to Hidan, clearly meant they were a _cherished _necessity of Deidara's life.

He'd brought a new bag home with him from work that night to swap with the other one- more than likely they'd gotten stale by now and Deidara was in need of a little cheering up. Everyone needed a little something to make them feel better- and Hidan knew out of everyone it was Deidara who deserved the cheering up the most... The once lively ball of energy had grown quiet and secluded- and though Hidan didn't typically get days off it had been weeks since he'd seen Deidara.

But the kid was depressed- and the kid had lost a bit of weight.

And the cinnamon raisin bagels from last time hadn't even been opened. Which was the very cause of the large frown that Hidan was currently wearing on his face.

Hidan sighed closing his eyes as he set the new bag on the counter next to the unopened ones, honestly he didn't even know what to do with the blonde anymore... Any time Hidan tried to talk to him Deidara always had an excuse.

_"I'm not depressed I'm just tired. Long day at school today."_

_"Got swamped with a lot of homework, I'll eat later, un."_

_"I'm crying because there was something sad on television."_

_"I just don't feel well, un."_

_"I ate at Itachi's."_

Excuses, fucking excuses, and Deidara was either an expert at lying or he was being honest and sincere. Hidan sincerely doubted the latter of the two. Either way perhaps Kakuzu would be able to cheer him up- Kakuzu seemed to like Deidara a lot, and the two were alone together sometimes during the week. Perhaps Hidan could get his boyfriend to cheer the kid up.

Perhaps.

_

* * *

_

Third period. It had rolled around slowly.

Why did it seem like when Deidara _wanted _the day to go by fast it went as slow as hell- and when he didn't want it to go fast it was over within the blink of an eye?

He trudged into Mr. Hatake's English 11Cp class, not particularly worried about being late. Kakashi Hatake rarely showed up for class let alone a simple study-hall in which he was literally needed as nothing more than a figure of authority. His thoughts of seeing an empty desk were only confirmed as he stepped into the wild classroom, filled with countless people chattering away.

_"Dei." _Deidara lifted his headed as suddenly as his name was called as he gingerly entered his third-period study-hall. He'd somehow expected it to be Sasori smiling at him like that.

But, no. It was Zetsu. Along with Itachi and Pein smiling like complete and utter morons.

"Blondie- come sit on my lap." There was a low purr as Pein shifted in his seat, his husky voice causing Deidara to shiver. Honestly, just because Pein liked announcing his sexuality to the school didn't mean Deidara liked it. Itachi seemed to get the hint, he leaned over and smacked the spiky haired man before fixing the sunglasses he'd been wearing.

Itachi was the only human being alive who wore sunglasses... Twenty-four-seven.

And Zetsu. The only guy in the entire school who had green hair... He was followed closely behind in the weirdness scale by Kisame who had a patch of blue hair.

Deidara smiled meekly at the thought of his friends. Though they were loud, and outspoken... And quite fucked up in the noggin. They were extraordinary people, with extraordinarily large hearts. He wouldn't have wished for them to change- and he couldn't have possibly wished for better friends.

He glanced around the room one last time- frowning when he didn't see that patch of red-hair he'd been expected to see. Hadn't Sasori said he was in this class? Deidara vaguely remembered seeing Sasori there...

But...

"So who's the ginger?" Zetsu asked crossing his arms. "Some red-head asked us to say hello to you for him."

"He was cute, he left like two minutes ago." Pein murmured. "A little too manly for my taste." He sighed. "I prefer the women type- no boobs with dicks slapped on them for convenience sake." Pein smiled. "Like you."

There was a sigh of exasperation from Deidara's part as he crossed his arms and sat down in the chair that had been pulled up with him in mind. "Where did he go? Yeah." Deidara asked softly.

"How should I know? I don't keep track of every piece of ass in this school. Even if they _do _have asses as nice as him. Nice choice Dei." Pein stretched in his chair a bit. Deidara simply curled his nose and groaned pressing a hand to his aching stomach. It was a proven fact that days after his excercise spouts his body hurt... Like hell. He remained quiet after that, simply leaning his head against Itachi's shoulder and surrendering to the daydreams that had been threatening to take ahold of him. He was a bit disappointed to have missed Sasori- but there was always summing up the courage to meet up with him after school.

"Dei. You alright?" Suddenly two hands had grabbed either one of his shoulders and pressed him backwards so he was securely seated. He'd only now realized that he'd been about to fall forwards out of his chair and Itachi had caught him- sensing the rocking movement of his little blonde companion.

"Y-yeah. Un." He murmured softly, slowly allowing himself to look up at his friends- who had all grown silent. Even Pein, who could have under any condition had a soft look on his face.

"Dei. You need to eat. You aren't going to make it through today if you don't." Zetsu sighed slowly holding out a small granola bar.

"No." the answer had come out of Deidara's mouth a little too fast for comfort, he regretted the animosity and closed his eyes, trying for a more gentle approach. "I'm tired. Tobi kept me up all night." Though it was only half a lie- Deidara did truly feel tired.

"Bullshit." Was the only reply he was given as the granola bar was thrown onto Deidara's lap.

Perhaps if Deidara had actually eaten the granola bar, things might have gone a little different that day- perhaps fate wouldn't have taken the twist that it did.

But Deidara didn't.

And fate did take its twist.

* * *

_"Deidara..."_

Deidara lifted his head and frowned as his name was called by their gym teacher. He'd currently been occupying a near-bye bench. Coach Gai was more than likely upset over the fact that Deidara hadn't changed into his gym clothes like the rest of the students- in all honesty the blonde felt extremely uncomfortable with taking his clothes off in front of other people. He would have much rather failed Physical Education than go through something as traumatizing as being stared at.

Or made fun of.

"Yes, sir?" Deidara chirped softly, his visible eye set cautiously on the darker orbs that belonged to Coach Gai.

"You haven't participated all year. The physical fitness examination is required by all students- if you don't start perking up soon I'm going to make you repeat this class next year. Now, go get changed- and we can begin."

"But sir-" Deidara began softly, before the stifling glare that he was given forced him to retaliate. "Yes, coach Gai, un." He murmured softly flinching as Kisame draped an arm around his shoulders.

"Hah, never thought I'd see the day when blondie actually participated in gym class." The blue haired boy smirk ruffling Deidara's hair, leading him into the locker room.

Deidara had never been so frightened in his entire life. During physicals not only did they test your BMI, but they also made you stand on a scale. If Deidara's weight was anywhere below fifteen percent under-weight they would tell Hidan. And Hidan would worry... And Deidara didn't want Hidan to worry.

The blonde simply muttered a tiny "Yeah." to his friend before over and unlocked his locker. He grabbed his gym bag and gathered up his clothes before he ran towards an empty bathroom stall, ignoring the tiny snickers coming from Kisame. He locked the door behind him and sat down on the toilet, setting a shaky hand over his mouth he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to think. How could he make himself heavier? Just a temporary heavy... Just enough to trick the scale... He quickly changed out of his clothes and slid his T-shirt and basketball shorts on. They were a bit loose... But his pants falling down was certainly the least of his worries.

His mind reeled with ideas before the idea of drinking as much water as he possibly could entered his mind. Water would make him heavier and then he would just urinate it all out and weigh less again.

It was perfect.

He dug around in his small gym bag- he'd packed a simple water bottle inside of it long ago- but never really expected to use it seeing as he had no intention of participating in any of the events.

Hearing the people begin to shuffle out of the locker room Deidara acted quickly by pressing the bottle to his lips before he downed the entire thing. Still not convinced that one bottle was enough to fill him up he dove out of the bathroom and slid the bottle under the sink- filling it up quickly he forced himself to drink it.

Already he felt like he was about to be sick- but he knew his secret wouldn't be safe if he didn't drink more water.

Everyone had already left the locker room, but Coach Gai would give him a little leniancy in changing seeing as he'd gone in a little later than everyone else.

He stuck his face under the faucet and began drinking as much water as possible- moaning softly when he knew he needed to leave. He knew he probably hadn't gained more than a pound or two so he dug around in his school back for something he could stuff in his shoes. He took the large lock to his locker and tossed it from hand to hand- it was pretty heavy and if he was lucky it weighed a pound or two...

Ignoring how uncomfortable it felt Deidara set the lock inside his shoe and tried to squeeze his foot inside. He then picked up his cell-phone and shoved that inside of his other shoe. Though he more than likely hadn't gained over six pounds from all this effort... He still hoped that the clothes on his back and the water in his stomach would be enough.

The lanky boy then timidly stepped out of the locker room and made his way over to the line where they were expected to wait in to be weighed.

* * *

A good ten minutes later- and Deidara had to pee. Like hell. But the kid in front of him had finally finished with his exam- and Deidara would be able to scurry off to the bathroom.

Deidara sighed as it was finally his turn to step on the scale. Coach Gai looked rather smug with the fact that he'd finally managed to get Deidara up there. "Glad to see you've finally joined us. The health of a strong and youthful teenager is very important to me! And I wouldn't want to jepardize the health of YOUR youth by making you repeat this class." Deidara blushed when the man decided to reel on and on about Deidara's youth- simply happy that mostly everyone aside from Kisame was ignoring him.

"Yeah." Deidara simply murmured softly as he stepped up onto the scale. He swayed a bit, cursing his luck when he began having a dizzy-spell and the corners of his vision threatened to completely blacken. The task at hand was far too important however and Deidara knew there was no way in hell he was going to allow himself to faint.

As silence teetered through the gymnasium he leaned forward a bit- trying to concentrate as much weight as possible anything to make himself seem less conspicuous.

Anything to keep the game going.

He inhaled sharply when there was a tiny 'beep' and the scale spat out his weight.

_"112." _

There was a long silence before Gai scribbled something down.

"Deidara. How tall are you?" He asked a little more quietly, though it was certainly a question that hadn't been asked to everyone else. With his mind reeling- Deidara decided to lie.

Though he was really around 5'7 he simply sighed. "I'm 5'6" He murmured softly, eyes shifting up to meet the skeptical ones of their coach before he smiled patting Deidara on the head. "A bit low- but not entirely alarming."

Deidara offered him a weak smile, his head still swimming and a weird light-headedness made him feel like he was under water. "Yeah." He murmured softly. He wanted to go sit down... Or something.

"Alright, you're free to go."

Deidara smiled- his eyes rounding to compliment the handsome little curve of his lip. It was a convincing smile- and it was a smile that might have saved Deidara's little charade.

_It might have._

If he hadn't suddenly pitched backwards in a dead-on faint.


	3. Pill Popper

_(( Thanks for all of the reviews. I figured it was about time I updated for 'yall. Hurhurhur. I apologize in advance, ;D cliffhanger ahead. ))_

* * *

They say, we're supposed to keep those we love close to our hearts, aren't we?

We frame little pictures of those special people that we love, we keep them prisoners in our hearts. We steal them, moments captured in time- and worship the little slivers of past we kidnapped with the twitch of a finger… A click of a button. The pull of a trigger. The taste of dirty quarters.

I can feel my brain withering away.

No more fuel. _No more fuel. Empty. Your tank needs gas._

Be a good boy now. Keep your mother on your dresser, your wedding in an album. Keep your kids safe in your wallet, lovers in a secret drawer. Pictures, pictures, _pictures_. So pretty. So pretty _so lovely._

I love my bones.

Bones are lovely.

_Lovely bones._

I want to wear my bones like a picture- I want them to freeze in time like a photo. I want to keep them on my dresser, in an album, in my wallet, in my drawer. Bones are beautiful, don't you understand? I will wear my collarbone like a necklace, I want my spine to be the zipper- hiding my secrets inside. I want to show off my legs, they're like beautiful lovers, but never shall they touch. _Never._

I want to be a picture. And only change for the better- never worse.

* * *

_"Deidara"_

The name sounded so beautiful whispered to Deidara. It might his body tense and his lungs fill with the sterile air.

"Deidara."

Suddenly Deidara went rigid. He knew that wasn't Hidan 's voice waking him up for school.

"Deidara?"

Slowly Deidara's eye began to open- squinting at the outside world, blinding him with an immerse of light. He tightened his fingers around the sheets he'd been tucked into and 'un'ed.

The school. He was still in the school.

And there was a red-head standing over his body. Deidara frowned at the fright color, his mind clearly not able to register who was standing in front of him until the figure spoke again.

"You fainted."

Deidara shot up straight in the small bed that was located in the nurse's room. It reeked of old corn-starch laced gloves and cough syrup. He pressed a thin hand to his forehead and moaned, teeth chattering against his cheeks for no apparent reason. He could feel his heart thudding violently in his chest, threatening to burst out of his ribcage and land on the ground in a big giant bloody mess.

He ever so carefully lifted the hand away from his eyes only to gasp with a quick sense of surprise.

Sasori was standing over him with a clipboard in his hand and a nervous expression on his face. He set the clipboard down and set a gentle hand on Deidara's chest forcing him to sit backwards.

"You need to rest Deidara. We called your dad and he said he's on his way."

_Sweet fucking shitballs out the crotch-hole._

Deidara had spent the entirety of his epiphinated life quivering in fear of the fact of worrying his adoptive father Hidan. The last thing that he wanted was for Hidan to be summoned from his day job to the little school hospital bed- to find his son crazed and collapsed with nurses forcing orange juice down his throat making little keening noises and telling him he needed some of those magic _electrolytes._

He didn't want Hidan to know, not only would years of progress be burned away, but it would be another reason to let the man down.

Deidara slowly moaned wit frustration, fingers tightening around his heats when he finally realized something very important… He wasn't wearing any pants.

Red with confusion Deidara swiftly lifted the sheet and looked to see that- indeed he was wearing underwear. And the underwear wasn't even his! Starved for an answer Deidara lifted his head back up to Sasori, and the red haired man sighed.

"When you fainted, it seemed that you ah- you fainted with a full bladder, cause you pee'd yourself."

_Oh the humanity._

Deidara suddenly lost the will to live. He wanted to jump up to his feet and run to the gym. He wanted to grab a volleyball net and hang himself with it. He's probably pee himself when he died- or worse, shit his pants. But at least he wouldn't ever have to wake up.

He turned his gaze back to Sasori to find sympathetic eyes staring right back at him. The very existence and fact of Sasori posed a few questions. Why was he here? And was Sasori the one who had undressed Deidara? Suddenly he was blushing profusely and he decided to focus on the first question.

"Is there where you've been hiding all day?" Deidara murmured softly. The red-head seemed happy that Deidara was asking him something normal, because he nodded his head- smiling as he set the clipboard down. "I'm a nurse's aid this semester, I just started today… And ah- forgot to tell you that.

Deidara nodded and smiled.

Sasori smiled as well, and the two shared an awkward little laugh. It was one of those laughs that could have been crying- but the two of them chose to simply throw their heads back and smile. The situation was uncomfortable for the both of them. Deidara knew Sasori had a lot of questions to ask him, and Deidara had a lot of questions in return, but they both remained silent about it.

It was't until a few chuckles later that the door opened and Pein came dashing in with Kisame at his side- Kisame had seen everything. so it was only natural that he'd grabbed someone to come and see Deidara.

"You idiot Deidara!" Pein yelled. Deidara would have swarm by looking into those eyes that Pein was crying. He couldn't…be… Could he?

"We told you to eat Deidara! But, did you listen? NO." Pein was now standing in front of a very confused looking Sasori. Deidara was shocked and horrified- Pein might as well of pulled his pants down and take a giant shit on Deidara, because mentioning eating habits in front of Sasori was just what he'd been trying to avoid.

"Seriously Deidara! If you weren't the cutest little gay thing I'd ever met and if I totally didn't want to fuck you you'd be _dead _right now." Pein crossed his arms, but then raised those interesting eyes of his and stared at Sasori.

"Ooh, is this that guy you were talking about?"

_Kill me. _Deidara thought.

* * *

"Deidara, your father is here. He's just signing you out and then you're free to go. Are you sure you can walk on your own?" Deidara nodded, his fingers tightening around the sheets as he turned to look at the lumpy brown looking pants that Sasori was handing to him. "This is all we've got I'm afraid, and I doubt they're going to fit you- I guess we're gonna need a _double-zero _size for people like you." It was Sasori's attempt to lighten the mood, but in Deidara's opinion things were simply even more awkward.

He was thankful that Pein had been escorted out by the nurse. Because the annoying prick would have been nodding right along with Sasori telling him that 'Zero' wasn't a size.

"Ah thanks." He murmured as he blushed. Sasori smiled and turned around as Deidara began to put the pants on.

"So…" Sasori began. "Are you sure you don't want to eat anything before you go?"

Deidara swallowed the spit that had run cold in his throat. Why did Sasori's have to ask him something like that? He didn't want the other to think anything bad of Deidara…

"Yes… I'm sure." The answer was low and frightened sounding as Deidara buttoned his pants.

Suddenly Sasori turned around, he had a weird look in his eyes as he took a step towards Deidara. The blonde shrunk in the shadow of the other man, as Sasori towered over him. And then the red head was moving again- two hand wrapped tightly around Deidara's shoulders as Sasori leaned in abnormally close and crashed their lips together.

This was one of those moments, where you can feel the world's heartbeat. The earth thuds beneath your feet and the tree's inhale sighs of relief. Sasori tasted sweet- like rootbeer that wasn't diet. Like candy canes and gumdrops and roast beef and mashed-potatoes. He tasted like a meal to Deidara, he made Deidara full.

"You need to go." Sasori whispered, his breath was warm against Deidar's lips as he pulled away and wrapped strong fingers around those fragile shoulders. Sasori pushed Deidara for the door, emotions swirling so quickly through the tiny cracks in his heart that he couldn't even bring himself to explain why he'd just done that.

Deidara was too taken aback to even argue. He pressed a cool hand on the doorknob and tucked the memory away. He would replay it one million-trillion times at night. He would touch and lick his lips until they were raw, forcing himself to relive that wonderful memory.

He floated right through that door.

He'd been expecting to be greeting with the frown plastered across the weary face of his beloved Hidan. He'd been expecting Hidan with eyes crazed and wild while he held a cellphone in the other hand the paramedics on hold.

Kakuzu.

"Oh Deidara. You've worried me." Kakuzu was tall, he was dark, and despite how much Deidara didn't want to admit it- the man was strangely handsome. He was attractive if you looked at him for a while. He would take one hell of a black and white picture or if the lighting was just right he may have taken some _model worthy _photos. But, Kakuzu was the last person on earth Deidara would have liked to see.

He would have rather been in company with Satan.

"Now Deidara, your father signed you out and everything, so you're free to go home today. If you don't feel well we want to encourage you to stay home tomorrow." The kind fat secretary lady was talking mumbo-jumbo annoying babble to Deidara. It made him want to take the stapler off of her desk and smack her in the face with it. But Kakuzu's fingernails digging into the tender flesh of Deidara's wrist was a little too distracting.

"Oh I'll make sure he isn't back tomorrow." What sounded like an idle threat sent chills down Deidara's spine as the taller dark haired man ushered Deidara out of the school building.

Surprisingly enough he didn't speak as they walked throughout he quiet parking lot. Not a single sound was uttered even when they both got in the car and Kakuzu pulled out onto the road. Finally as the silence had settled a little _too _comfortably around their shoulders Kakuzu opened his mouth and spoke.

"Hidan is _soo _worried about his little Deidara."

"So he knows what happened then?" Deidara presumed, his hope shattering.

"No. He doesn't know about what just happened. He's worried about you, because you're a little less secretive than you thought you were." There was another sick moment of surprise as Kakuzu curled his nose and wrapped his fingers a little tighter around the steering wheel. "You're stupid if you think one of us wouldn't have caught on sooner or later." Kakuzu suddenly pulled into an empty parking lot, put the car in park and spun around so he was facing the blonde.

"Deidara. I know your secret."

Deidara's heart stopped as an icy cool feeling of fear dripped into his veins. He opened his mouth and sucked in some air, suddenly feeling like he was about to die. "You know my secret?" He repeated like a parrot, literally at a loss for anything else to say.

"One morning you weighed yourself just before I went into the bathroom to use the toilet. The numbers were still on there when I came inside and I was shocked to see that it only read 102. I'd thought that maybe Tobi had been in there with you or perhaps there was something wrong with it."

He leaned in uncomfortably close to Deidara his hand seizing Deidara's shirt as he lifted it up and pressed it against Deidara's ribs. The blonde yelped kicking his feet as he tried to launch backwards into the seat behind him. Unfortunately that was impossible with Mr. Big and scary driving, because Deidara wasn't going anywhere.

"Then I heard you puking one day. And I hear you exercising every night I spent with Hidan. I notice all the little things- the uncleared history on your computer. _Are you a pro-anorexic _Deidara? Are you _proud of yourself?" _Kakuza reared back and slapped Deidara in the face. The sound of skin contacting skin was a sickly sound, definitely flinch-worthy. "Deidara I know your secret, and I'm going to tell Hidan your secret unless you do something for me."

This got Deidara's attention. Thinking a blow-job ( like always ) was wanted from the boy he slowly got down on his knees, lips trembling as looked up carefully at Kakuzu. The man had forced himself upon Deidara many times, threatening him to comply with threats of hurting Tobi, and threatening to leave Hidan if he didn't follow through.

But, this time Kakuzu shook his head refusing the boy- Deidara would never forget how cold and disgusted those green eyes looked as Kakuzu slowly reached into a small bag and pulled out a bottle of pills.

"I want you to kill yourself Deidara. I want you to take every single pill in this entire bottle. And die."


	4. The Deal

**_"The heart dies a slow death,_**

**_shedding each hope like leaves... Until one day there are none. No hopes. Nothing remains."_**

**~ Until all that's left is a skeleton, a skeleton without an appetite. Only hungry for the pills inside of a pretty little bottle that would bring _absolution._**

**_

* * *

Deidara  
_**

The bottle in Kakuzu's hand held Deidara's attention greedily, tempting him with all the wonderful possibilities. Would it really be so bad if he took every single pill inside that little plastic bottle? Would it really be so bad to go to sleep and never wake up ever again?

He would wither away under ground. He'd never have to eat again and his lovely bones would be all that was left of him- planted in the ground like seeds that would one day grow into a mystical looking plant.

_That sounded perfect._

But, he knew deep down within the aching tendrils of his over-worked heart, that couldn't leave his friends behind. What was going to happen to Tobi when Deidara was out of the picture? The two of them had always been so close, and even if Deidara would have loved for nothing more than to go to sleep forever- he wasn't about to curse the few people he had to care about in his life to have to live without him. Tobi was his light in the darkness, how could he even dare to THINK of harming him in any way? Physically OR mentally.

"No." Deidara stated firmly with an amazing sort of strength that had neglected him for a very long time. He tightened his hands into fists on top of his lap, his visible eye narrowing as sunlight flooded in through the glassy window of Kakuzu's car. It was almost like a sign from god- beckoning him to continue refusing.

"I will not-_ un_." He felt empowered by the sun on his features- it gave him courage.

The word Deidara had muttered angrily through the cracks of his teeth caused Kakuzu to frown, it was an uneasy sort of frown that caused each and ever one of his features to droop with an ungodly rage. The grown man tightened his fingers around the bottle and threw it to Deidara's feet- a low **'clitter-clatter'** of hundreds of pills slamming against plastic could be heard as the other tightened his fingers angrily around the steering wheel.

"How could you even ask me that?"

The soft question broke the spell and suddenly Kakuzu looked human again as his smile returned and he slowly shifted sideways in his seat. He pressed a cool hand on top of Deidara's forehead, eyes boring into the blonde's.

"Honey." He began. A nickname full of the most disgusting venom. "It's nothing personal. You're a waist of space- a waist of air." He curled his nose. "You seem pretty damn close to dying anyway. Why not speed up the process?" And as if to illustrate himself, he grabbed Deidara's shirt and lifted it up eyeing the few ribs poking out of his flesh. Deidara growled at the other, unable to fend him off.

"When I tell Hidan that his poor, corrupt, child has an eating disorder-You're going to be admitted into a hospital. You will be weighed regularly and given medicine and pure glucose with a purpose ONLY to raise your weight." His lips had curved into a disordered, evil, smile. "You will not be allowed to leave until you gain-" He paused to eye the young boy's thin frame before giving him his 'evaluation' "Oh, I'd say forty pounds at the least." An extreme exaggeration, no doubt.

I'm sure it must seem silly to you as you sit there and read this. It must seem preposterous that someone would consider suicide over an alternative of gaining forty pounds.

I can not explain to you how frightening a concept like that would be in the eyes of a person suffering from anorexia. It would mean ignoring every screaming voice in your head as you shoveled a spoon full of broken glass into your mouth and swallowed away every hope and dream you would ever have- leaving a pit of digesting loneliness. It would mean feeling each cut fester and blister in your stomach as days went by. You wouldn't be allowed to fix the sores with your medicine. You wouldn't be allowed to excersise - or restrict.

You would have to live with yourself as you walked- feeling every inch of yourself and hating who you've become. You would have to look in the mirror and see a pig.

Deidara pressed a pale hand to his mouth and inhaled sharply. He could feel his lungs restrict and spasm with each painful breath he took. Deidara moaned softly as he attempted to keep the tears inside of him- he did not want Kakuzu to see Deidara in distress.

"Fuck…" He hissed softly as he pressed his fingers to his legs and leaned forward. "I can't breath." he whispered softly, breaths coming in quick wheezes.

Kakuzu ignored the distressed other and rolled his eyes as he set his hand on the gear shift and put the car into reverse.

"You have exactly twenty-four hours to decide what, exactly- you're going to plan on doing before I tell Hidan."

Already Deidara could hear the cheesy "24" television show "." starting up in his head as his countdown slowly began- bright yellow numbers counting down his fate.

_Twenty-four hours._

"Promise not tell tell him yet?" Deidara whispered softly, eyes widened with fear.

_"I promise." _He smiled.

**

* * *

**

**Sasori**

Sasori pressed a hand to his cheek, eyes narrowing to meet the steering wheel in front of him. School had ended almost an hour ago and he was still sitting in his car- thinking-dreaming-

_..._

His heart beat evolved, It's rhythm changed, no longer did it go 'badump badump' in his chest- it went "Holyshit. Holyshit".

He'd turned the radio on at some point. Meaningless words blared holes into his ears as he sorted through the jumbled mass that had become his brain. He knew that he had to do something- he knew exactly what he was supposed to do before he'd even set foot into his car.

Then why was he so afraid?

He drew a shaky breath into his lungs, daring himself to thread his fingers around the tiny plastic device that he called his cellphone and press his fingers to the dials. Each 'Beep' was a new knife in his chest.

He needed to call Deidara.

* * *

**Hidan**

Hidan stared at_ him_ from across the table, a harsh sense of pain slithering through his intestines like a worm. It was hard to ignore each painful cry for help Deidara's thin broken body emitted.

But, Hidan would have never been able to catch on to Deidara without Kakuzu's help. The blonde was an **expert.**

First, he lifted a fork dawning only a simple piece of lettuce, he let it brush his lips- and his eyes darted around the table for any judgmental eyes. Then he set his fork down and laughed, contributing to the conversation- anything having to do with Tobi. Next he'd lift his glass and press those pale lips to it. Sip after sip after sip- endless gulps of water would swirl down into the dark pit that was Deidara's shrunken, and sickly stomach. He'd pick up his fork and mess around with his food… Never actually eating anything- simply teasing his lips again.. And again… And again…

When Deidara finally noticed that Hidan had been staring at him- Deidara was quick to shove a spoonful of lettuce into his mouth. It was still not enough to impress HIdan.

Eventually Tobi was excused and Kakuzu lifted himself from the table. "Thank you for a wonderful meal." The dark man murmured into Hidan's ear before kissing him on the cheek. Hidan smile up at his lover, his mind and his body in autopilot as he muttered his words in return. Kakuzu strolled dangerously over to Deidara setting a hand on his shoulder and leaning down. "Deidara you look a little pale, maybe you should get more sleep." He uttered the words like a warning, grinning down at Deidara's horrified expression before he sauntered off towards the television room.

It seemed the Deidara had finally decided he'd been at the table long enough, because Deidara was last to go as he slowly lifted himself from his seat, eyes locked on the floor as he rose.

"Hold on." Hidan's voice was like a knife in the dark as he lifted a hand as if to stop Deidara.

Looking slightly confused, Deidara uttered a soft "Huh?" And sat down, weaving his fingers through each other as he pressed his chin to the table.

"Deidara. I've been pretty worried about you lately- you haven't been eating much." Never once did his gaze leave Deidara's. "And. Well, I wasn't going to say anything at first. I know life can be pretty hard for teenagers, especially when their family systems are- different, like ours. I'm sorry if this has effected you."

_There was no way in HELL Hidan was about to blame all of this on himself. _Deidara could already feel an intense stigma of guilt settle through his entire body.

"But, this morning Kakuzu came to me with some- well, very disturbing information."

Deidara's eyes grew wide as he shot up in his chair, fingers trembling like the house had suddenly dawned 'sub-zero' temperature. _NOnonononono. HE DIDN'T… He couldn't have… He told me he'd give me a day to do it! _All of the blood rushed to his face as he dug his fingernails deeper into the grains of the table he sat at.

"Deidara. Have you been starving yourself…?" He paused. "Kakuzu told me that he thinks you have an eating disorder."

* * *

(( A short chapter, yes I know ;D. But my updates are coming sooner and sooner ;D. It make me happy! I hope you enjoyy. ))


	5. Toilet Cleaner

**(( Aright, before you read- I'm gonna need your understanding with this chapter. It switches around a lot like a movie- this is all one scene just from a bunch of different people's point of Views. I'll put the name of the person who's POV the section is in at the top. But just thought I'd warn you guys before you started reading. ))**

* * *

**Deidara**

* * *

Dying.

"No!"

The world clicked into slow motion as Deidara hurled his body out of his seat, the glass of water before him had shattered as it knocked away from his tiny little nest set carefully on table cloth which Hidan had bought from the local flea-market on a lovely Saterday afternoon. He missed the days like that, the days spent basking in the sunshine, licking ice-cream off of his fingertips.

Hidan raises from his spot, eyes wide and mouth ajar, he says something- but Deidara's slow motion-ified brain is unable to translate. The chair falls at his feet and suddenly Deidara felt as though he were being driven by chariot- glorious horses breathing and snorting the stifled air of their dining room, muscles rippling beneath their flesh- forcing the heavens to part.

Deidara pounded down the hallway, past the family pictures- the fake people staring down at him with evil eyes, they reach through their glassy prison and touch his shoulder as he runs, as if he's going to war and won't ever be seen again. I'm going to die today.

Up the stairs Deidara flew, into the safety of his room. To his furniture he sprang- throwing it against the door. First comes his bed- it's so old that it creaks and groans as it's forced against the wooden grain of his floor.

Now his lamp.

His chair

Deidara's dresser, fell beneath his push, He was positive it would break down his door. But it doesn't- it hits it with a loud 'CLUNK' before opening up and vomiting his clothes all over the place. Deidara's lips parted releasing a small 'tut' as he leaned towards it gracing his hand against it's back and patting it comfortingly- 'there there, stick through the worst.'

His dresser understood him the most. The both of them vomit.

"Deidara!" Hidan's slow motion voice spews out Deidaa's name as he pounds against his door- rumbling the furniture beneath.

**I'm running out of time.**

He was not going to give Kakuzu the pleasure of knowing that he'd killed himself with his filthy bottle of pills, he'd decided that the fucker could keep them- Deidara knew exactly how he was going to do it. Under the confines of his bed lay a large bottle of liquid toilet cleaner. Deidara used it to clean up after himself after heavily dosing himself up on laxatives. He'd clean the filth away.

And now it was going to clean the filth away from his body.

"Deidara!" Hidan is angry, he has no idea.

I'm so sorry Tobi.

**Dead.**

Deidara pressed the opening to his lips, swallowing the blue liquid down in needy gulps. It tasted like the smell of a toilet- and it made his eyeballs burn. Within moments his stomach ached and his throat began to burn and fester- he drank and he drank and he drank until he could literally drink no more, he drank until his throat was no longer able to contract, until the bottle was empty and his stomach muscles began to spasm. As if he were already dead.

Oh sweet gracious did it ever burn.

His body clicked into defense mode, and he leaned forward wrenching as his throat constricted. He held his fingers over his mouth- swallowing down the throw-up, moaning as mucus and bile slipped through the cracks in his finger-tips and fell beneath his crippled body.

His fingers could not be felt against the tender flesh of his face- the nerves beneath had suddenly been fried, leaving nothing behind.

Deidara could no longer hold himself up, the aching strength ignored him- allowing him to fall into his own puddle of stomach excretion, into the filth and the hate that had been bottled up inside of him.

It hurt so bad.

**I'm about to lose my mind.**

"Deidara! Can we just talk?"

**Slam slam slam slam.**

"Deidara! You're scaring me!"

**Slam slam slam slam.**

"Open this door right now Deidara!"

**Slam slam slam slam.**

"We can get through this together!"

**Bzzzzzt.**

**Bzzzzt.**

**Bzzzt.**

Suddenly Deidara's pocket began to vibrate, he moaned softly, surprising even himself when he slowly reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell-phone. He had every reason in the world to ignore the call, and yet he felt the need to answer it. He wanted to talk to someone- he wanted to hear someone's voice.

"Hell-oh." He murmured softly, low inaudible 'mph' noises occasionally fluttering from his mouth as his stomach muscles clamped.

"_Deidara"_

* * *

**Sasori**

* * *

_"Hell-Oh."_

Sasori wrapped his fingers around his cell-phone a little tighter as he leaned forwards in his chair, suddenly captivated by the meek little voice on the other end of his phone-call.

"Deidara." Sasori murmured softly, savoring the name on his tongue as if it were the most delicious thing he'd ever tasted in his entire life. "I just wanted to call to see how you were doing…. I-" Sasori couldn't bring himself to finish, the awkwardness of the situation weighed down on him immensely as he awaited a reply from the blonde.

He was met with silence.

"I know that I probably shouldn't have kissed you like that so soon- It's just that I felt something, something really strong Deidara, something that I don't want to ignore."

Again silence.

"Deidara?" Sasori whispered a little softer this time, fear entertaining the corners of his voice.

"Sas…Ori." Deidara murmured softly, his voice so inaudible and quiet that Sasori had to register the sound for a few moments before he finally understood. "It wasn't for a birthday party."

Silence. Sweet delectable silence.

"What?" Sasori murmured quietly, what could he have possibly meant by that? Deidara was acting so strange, so unbelievable.

"It wasn't for a party Sasori." The blonde's voice cracked on the other end. "Not a party… For me to eat and eat, and then throw it all up." A slow moan from the other end catches me attention- Deidara sounds like he's…

"Are you _stoned right now _Deidara?" Sasori whispered the question quietly.

**It hurts when I see you struggle.**

"Haven't you seen my knuckles Sasori? They're digusting- red and blotchy from my fucking stomach acid burning them so much Sasori. You paid for my-" Deidara paused and moaned again. There was a small 'clank' on his end of the phone. Sasori waited in morbid silence, fingers clenched tight around his cellphone.

"I don't understand why you're telling me this Deidara."

"You paid for my vomit."

Oh how that sweet silence caressed Sasori's body- it wrapped its carefully arms around his chest and pressed down on his lungs, watching as they popped like balloons. It poked needles into his flesh, thousands upon thousands of times, and took the time to pull all of the hairs up on his arms. He knew that something was happening, and he knew that something was wrong. He knew that no matter what happened he needed to keep Deidara on the phone for as long as he could.

"Deidara, I love you. And When I kissed you I meant it." He paused. "I need you to tell me what's going on, let me help you- _please. Do you need a doctor?"_

**He's going to die.**

_"No."_

* * *

**Hidan**

* * *

By now Hidan had given up slamming on the blonde's door. There was no use in getting that child to get out of there… He was just going to have to let Deidara cool off on his own, and then talk things through with him later.

But, one thing that was for sure was the fact that there was definitely something wrong with Deida.

"What's happening?" Tobi whispered softly, fingers tightening around Hidan's pant leg as two large eyes widened at the sight of Deidara's locked door. "Why are you yelling so loud? It scared me." He murmured quietly.

Hidan sighed, looking down at the ball of joy. Was it such a good idea to have Deidara in such close contact with Tobi all the time? Especially if Deidara really WAS suffering as badly as Kakuzu believed he was, Tobi was a little magnet and he would cling to any sort of force that he could get his little hands onto.

"It's nothing sweet-pea" Hidan whispered quietly, slowly picking the boy up. He used his arm to cradle the toddlers backside so he could press the other hand against Tobi's back and tuck his chin over the child's head. "Don't you worry your pretty little head, mmkay?" He inhaled the scent of his child's hair, and pressed his lips to the dark locks, giving Tobi a nice long kiss. It felt good to hold Tobi, he missed moments like these when he was working.

"Mmm…" Tobi murmured softly, relishing in the attention as he too inhaled the scent of his father. He was frightened for his big brother- the two of them had a bond even closer than Hidan ever would. And it was for that, that he knew Deidara would never do anything horribly stupid… Deidara would NEVER leave Tobi behind, ever!

* * *

**Deidara**

* * *

Deidara pressed a hand against his stomach, with emotions vaguely calm. Surprisingly he couldn't feel anything. He wasn't very frightened- but he couldn't seem to get his fingers to stop trembling.

He'd wretched three times, and kept it down two of the three- his throat burned with an intensity that he had never experienced before in his entire life. It was ironic that he'd lived to vomit- and now he was dying to keep it in.

A moan escaped his throat, but he quickly threw a hand over his mouth to silence it. He'd forgotten that he was on the phone with Sasori.

"Deidara. Somethings wrong." Sasori murmured on the other side of the phone. Deidara felt sorry for lying to the boy- and what was even worse was the fact that Sasori was going to have to live his entire life with the knowledge that he was speaking with Deidara while the blonde lay in a pile of his own vomit dying slowly.

He lifted his chin up and glanced at his clock.

It had been exactly five minutes since he drank the liquid. At first he was afraid that it's effect wasn't going to be as desired. That perhaps he'd needed more than the entire container of toilet cleaner to do the job.

But as time ticked by he felt stranger and stranger.

His body started to do strange things- goosebumps and needles prickled his sides and a weird foamy solution had collected in his mouth except for the typical saliva secretion. His mouth tasted like dirty quarters, and his lungs felt like they were so full they were about to pop.

He knew he was going to die. In a few minutes he was going to be a small pile of poisoned Deidara. And there was nothing else that could be done about it.

He could tell Sasori what he needed to.

"Sasori." Deidara whispered. "I don't know you well, and I don't even know that I love you yet- but you're the closest I've gotten, and I want you to know that-" Deidara paused as his stomach clenched and a sharp. "Oh!" Escaped his throat.

"What is it!" Sasori yelped on the other end. He sounded so scared- so on edge.

Deidara needed to hurry. He didn't think that he would be able to hold the phone up to his ear anymore.

"I want you to know that this wasn't your fault. There was nothing that you could have done to avoid this, Sasori."

A pause.

"I'm calling an ambulance Deidara. What's your address?" Sasori growled on the other end. Obviously he wasn't impressed.

"D-" Deidara began to speak, but that was it. He was spent- that final "D" was the only sound he was able to muster before the string to his consciousness broke and he dropped the phone. He remembered a final gasp, and then-

"Whats your FUCKING address Deidara!"

Nothing.

**I'm running out of time.**

* * *

**Kakuzu**

* * *

**"Riiiiiinnngg Riiiiiinnngg Riiiiinnnngg"**

Suddenly the phone sounded throughout the house. Hidan, who'd been busy putting Tobi to bed peaked around the corner to shout.

"Hey! Kakuzu. Can you please get that for me?"

A grumble sounded from the dark haired man as he stood to his feet and clicked off the television. He took his good old time, sauntering through the living room, approaching the phone. He glanced at the "Caller ID" curling his nose at the unidentified number. Probably one of Deidara's little faggot friends.

"What?" Kakuzu murmured into the mouthpiece."

"_Something's wrong with Deidara, you need to call an ambulance right now."_

This was a pleasant song that caught Kakuzu's attention.

"Ohhh…?" He murmured slightly into the mouthpiece, eyes narrowing cleverly as he tilted his head to the side. "I would appreciate it if you would stop calling here, we don't appreciate prank phone calls." He stated simple, shrugging his shoulders."

_"This isn't a prank phone call, this is-"_

**SLAM.**

* * *

**Tobi**

* * *

Tobi smiled up at his father Hidan as the pretty silver-haired man kissed his cheek and pulled the covers up over his chin. He loved it when his dad had the time to put him to sleep. And most importantly he loved his daddy's goodnight kisses.

Tobi outstretched his hand towards the small blanket sitting on his night-stand and pulled it close to his cheek, burying his nose into the wonderful device and shoving his thumb into his mouth immediately. He inhaled the fresh scent of laundry detergent, the smell awakening so many memories within.

**Riiiinnnng Riiiiinnnnggg Riiiiiinnnnngg.**

"Kakuzu! Would you pick up the phone!" Hidan's voice is loud and shrill, it makes Tobi slowly lift up off of his bed.

"it's just some kid making a prank phone-call." Kakuzu murmured softly. His voice is suddenly very close. Tobi could hear the two of them shuffle around together. "Let's go to bed… Hmm?" Kakuzu's voice is like a purr as a huge sloppy wet 'kiss' sound echoed throughout the hallway.

Tobi grinned, giggling softly at his daddies. They were kind of gross.

One thing that Tobi was curious about, however- was the prank phone call. He'd never heard of a 'prank phone call' before, but it sounded kind of silly, and he was intrigued with the concept. Ever so quietly, the toddler swung himself out of bed and toddled to his door. He'd dropped his blanket along the way- but was perfectly interested in another aspect at the moment. He could still hear the loud** "RIIING RIIING"** of the phone downstairs. Hidan had forbidden Tobi from answering the phone if he didn't know who was calling- but that wasn't going to stop Tobi.

The child hovered over the loud contraption for a few hesitant moments before he rested his hand over top of it and slowly picked it up setting it against his ear.

_"I'm not a prank phone caller! This is serious!" _The voice screamed so loud that Tobi gasped.

"Why are you yelling at me?" Tobi squeaked, lower lip trembling.

_"Deidara needs an ambulance. Who is this? Are you his brother?"_ The voice on the other end prodded.

"Yeah! My name is Tobi, what' your name?" Tobi felt like an adult, chatting away on the phone.

_"My name is Sasori. Tobi, how old are you?"_

There was a long silence on Tobi's part as he looked down at his fingers and counted. "I'm four!" He announced cheerful, like a happy little bird. He clearly couldn't comprehend the severity of the situation.

_"Tobi. Listen very carefully. Your brother needs help. I need you to hang up the phone and dial '911'. Can you do that for me Tobi?"_

Tobi smiled. "Okay."

_"Tell them that your brother needs a doctor."_

Tobi gasped, suddenly understanding the severity of the situation. "Dei Dei's sick!"

_"He's very sick."_


	6. Please

I would love for my kind to all get together at a grand convention.

We would be a beautiful splash of people, walking down the hallways- there would be no chairs, nor would there be beds- we'd all be too busy moving, burning, puking, crying, constricting, dying.

_**XxXx**_

**We NEED to pump his stomach!**

We would stand in grand halls decorated with only the finest of cuisines so we could refuse it all _with smiles on our faces_. We'd stroll along long beautifully decorated hallways holding champagne glasses to our lips, sipping at bubbly water and crystal light, pretending that it was actual champagne. We'd exchange laxatives like they were pieces of gum- and we'd share secrets and hold hands and sing- because we were all so very much _alike._ Thinsperation would be all around us, beckoning us from behind papery images of airbrushed perfection. The pictures would sing for us, and throw rose petals at our feet, we were so close.

So close.

So close.

SO. CLOSE. TO. OUR. GOALS.

The walls would be made out of mirrors, the floors and the ceilings as well- they would reflect us back to each other, make us aware of ourselves at all times.

We'd all know that we were dying and-

**_XxX_  
**

I could feel my skin prickle with disdain as the tube was forced down my throat. "SSSSSSSSSSSSSS" it screamed to life with the ugliest slurping noise I had ever heard- the pills that i'd swallowed slid up the slippery slide- their claws digging into the sterilized tube, the charcoal seemed to drip from every pore in my entire body and what little drool I had left stained the front of my shirt like I was some sort of caged animal. The doctors dug their fingers into my clothes, pinning me down to the earth- not letting my soul raise up to heaven.

_**XxXx**_

-strangely enough we'd be okay with that 'cause we have all accepted the fact that we were dying a long time ago.

XxXx

* * *

Hidan

* * *

XxXx**  
**

It took the paramedics exactly thirty two minutes to get to Deidara. Tobi's very helpful, but very panicked little bickering was not enough to squeeze an address out of. Sensing the severity of the situation the officers eventually had the phone tracked. A kind operator stayed on the phone with Tobi while they talked about the most interesting things. Tobi's favorite color, his favorite movie, and his favorite food ( SPAGHETTI OES! ) while Hidan lounged about upstairs with Kakuzu, he hadn't the slightest clue that his son was moments away from death, or perhaps already dead.

When the paramedics arrived they didn't even knock on the door, they barged on in- the door had been left unlocked. There was five of them, four carried the gurney and the last one carried a big bag of wonders.

They trotted through the halls, their boots sounding like boulders. It was enough to rile Hidan out of his slumber. The silver haired man bounded down the stairs, clad in nothing aside from his boxers. He might have been more concerned for his modesty if it didn't look like an entire hospital had set up camp inside his house.

"What's going on here!" He wheezed, fingers wrapping vicariously around the robe he'd left on their banister. He quickly stepped towards them, wrapping it around his body at the same time. "What are you doing in my house!" He pushed, goosebumps prickling the back of his arms.

"We received a distress call from this house and-"

"Daa-aad." Tobi's voice fluttered like a little bird as he bounded towards the silver haired man.

"Tobi." He murmured, suddenly everything seemed to make sense. The young raven was holding their cordless phone, bounding towards him with tears in his eyes. "Don't tell me you called them here. did you?" He pressed a hand to his forehead, they could get into a lot of trouble for this.

"Dei's sick."

Hidan stopped, fingers still stuck through the bow he'd been picking at through this entire ordeal.

"Deidara? Tobi. What's wrong with Deidara?"

"Young man." The paramedic spoke up again, eyes soft with understanding as he stepped towards the young boy, pressing a hand to the top of his head. "Where is your brother?"

"His room."

XxXx

* * *

Sasori

* * *

XxXx

_Please._

Sasori gasped for breath, heart thudding one-million miles per hour in his chest. He felt as if he'd just run a marathon, when in reality he'd been driving the entire time. The world spun around him like a spider weaving it's web. He couldn't keep his goddamned focus, the lights seemed to stay red longer than usual- the traffic was slower than usual. His fucking CAR was slower than usual.

_Please._

His lips moved as silent prayers left his body. Silent hopes- silent wishes.

_Please._

_I've never prayed before. I'm not sure how to do it, sorry if I get it wrong. But, please-_

_Please._

_Please._

_Please…_

_Please, let him be okay._

**CRASH.**

XxXx

* * *

Hidan

* * *

XxXx**  
**

Eventually they got into his room, they had to unscrew the hinged on the door and climb over countless thresholds of furniture in order to get to the heart of the room.

And, to Hidan's horror, there he lay like an angel fallen from heaven.

"Oh… Oh Deidara…"

Deidara's limbs were flailed above his head as if he had been making snow angels. His mouth was ajar, dripping with all the wrong kind of bodily fluids. HIs stomach was bloated, filled to the brim with air like a balloon. It was so unnatural, he looked so dead- and sadly it was the fullest Hidan had seen Deidara in a very long time.

Beautiful pale blonde hair lay around him in a cascade. Deidara's hair had always been so long. It was drenched in sweat, and in tears, in the sorrows of his life spent suffering alone. He was so beautiful, so fragile, so innocent.

_"Deidara,_ why didn't you tell me?" Hidan moaned softly, backing into Kakuzu. The dark man had finally made his appearance- fingers wrapping around tufts of Hidan's robe. "He didn't tell any of us." His purr was low and spent- husky with what Hidan desperately hoped was fatigue.

The paramedics shouted at each other reading the back of what appeared to be a toilet cleaner. Was that what was making him so sick? Was it the toilet cleaner? Did he drink it? They moved something into his mouth something large- something scary. It roared to life, and so did Deidara. The boy shot upwards, fingers digging like daggers into the material of their clothes. He writhed with pain, screaming, kicking, convulsing. What little thread of consciousness he might have had was sucked away with that tube. He was long gone.

It was then… _then_ that they decided that he needed to go.

They lifted him onto the gurney, flinging themselves out the door.

"Kakuzu." Hidan whispered, eyes folded as he looked over to his partner. "Kakuzu, I need you to stay here with Tobi. I need you to watch him- can you please do that?" Kakuzu's eyes narrowed as well, a look of pure disdain for only a flash before the look faded away, being replaces with an unusual sense of joy.

"Yes. I would love to." He turned to Tobi, eyes darkened.

"Tobi is in good hands."

XxXx

* * *

Deidara

* * *

XxXx**  
**

**I remember how it all started.**

"Alright! Wow! Look at all of these fresh new faces. I'll bet you all are exuberant about starting middle school! This is one of many big steps you will be taking on your journey to becoming an adult!"

A groan or two followed the overly peppy man. Nobody was that excited about going into middle school, nobody but Deidara.

The blonde vibrated with energy, his fingers were wrapped around the brown paper lunch his father Hidan had packed for him just for his first day of school. He'd been homeschool at the orphanage for so long that anything was better than being cooped up inside there all the time.

"We're going to start this off with a little game~ alright? So I'm going to need one volunteer!" Everyone grew silent, everyone except Deidara. He stood up raising his hand, a smile splashed across his dimpled face. Of course Deidara wanted to volunteer, he loved games!

"Alright, young man. Come on up here." The perky teacher motioned for Deidara to stand directly in front of his classmates. Deidara felt uneasy, it was one thing to play a game- but another thing to make him do something- in front of people.

"Alright, so we've founded our school on love- and friendship. We take great pride in making people's days one-hundred percent better! So what I want is for everyone to say two things that they like about-" He paused "What's your name?"

"D-Deidara… Un."

"Alright! Who is going to start?"

The kids looked dumbfounded. They all sat in their little clusters, whispering to each other. Really, what was there to say about the weird boy with long hair?

After a long awkward moment, and a huge pit had formed in Deidara's stomach, a brave little boy raised his hand.

"Ahhh! There we go! You. Go on ahead."

"Well." The little boy paused, eyes cold as he stared at Deidara.

"He's kinda chunky."

XxXx

* * *

Sasori

* * *

XxXx**  
**

"Fu-" Sasori wheezed, fingers pressed to the pavement. His head was whirling- his fingers were twitching, _his body was bleeding, _his heart was slowing. How did he get here? Where was he? He lifted his gaze ever so slightly, meeting the sight of a single snowflake- it fell onto the ground in front of him. He marveled in the sight for a long drawn out moment. It was so rare to see something like that- he hadn't seen snow around their parts for a very long time. Another snowflake joined it- this time, landing on his lip.

Within moments he realized that he couldn't hear anything. Why couldn't he? Only the sound of his own breathing- his heart thudding in his chest.

His bones ached.

So did his heart.

His window. Now he remembered! He'd flown out of his window after hitting another car.

As his memory slowly returned to him, so did his hearing. He could hear people shouting, he could hear sirens in the distance. Those sirens had better of been for Deidara. NOT for him. He was fine- he just needed to get up and-

"Fuck… FUCK." His world was an array of stars when he realized that he couldn't move his torso without it hurting. More than likely he'd severely broke his collar bone- his leg hurt, it was probably broken as well. But, there was something else- something more sinister, he knew that something else was wrong and yet he couldn't seem to figure it out.

He laid his head down, eyes drooping shut as fingers vicariously threaded through his damp hair. He needed to shut his eyes- even if just for a moment. His world was suddenly so small, so painful, so close to darkness- and still only a single name crossed through his mind. Only one person… One quirky little blonde haired boy.

_Please. Let him be okay._

It was with that final prayer, that Sasori was gone.

Gone.

XxXx

(( Last cliffhanger for a while. I promise. ))


	7. Memories

**(( I would like to dedicate this chapter to Teiden. She is always so very helpful- always keeping me in line, reminding me that I need to keep writing, thank you. I appreciate your PMs :) Wub you! ))**

* * *

Hidan

* * *

"He's going into cardiac arrest!" The doctor hissed at the others, eyes bright with the severity of the situation. "Defibrillator! Now!"

Deidara looks so tiny, laying there on that hospital bed. His hair his outstretched in ringlets around his face, framing him. It's his halo. Deidara always had such beautiful hair- he never cut it, and now that he was so thin he looked like a girl. A cute little girl.

"Sir, you can't be back here- I need you to leave."

"But, he's my son."

"We know that, but he is in critical condition, we will send someone out occasionally to inform you of his well-being."

It's here, at this very moment- standing outside, waiting to find out wether or not I will ever see my son again, that I realize how much Deidara has been suffering. I realize how horrible I have been as a father. And I realize, that I am completely and utterly accountable for what has happened here today. I am accountable for how much Deidara has been suffering… For how much weight he has lost, and for the sad state his poor mind is in today. I realize that I have been ignoring his needs for far too long, I realize that I have been selfish, and blind to ignore the needs of angel.

* * *

Deidara

* * *

Sip sip sip. 

_I sip and I sip and I sip. _

I sip diet coke until my lips burn, until my tongue has no taste-buds left to spare- until I cannot taste the fizz anymore. I drink diet coke when my stomach growls, I drink diet coke when I feel sad. I drink it when my fingers are too numb to feel the temperature of the ice-cubes I snack on. When my brain slams against my skull- revolting, screaming at me- when it is a ticking time bomb, begging for life- I trick it. I pretend that I'm giving myself some form of nutrients so that maybe my body will "SHUT THE FUCK UP." 

_Quit shivering you useless whore, quit craving chocolate. Quit storing fat in the wrong places. Can't you do anything right? _

I drink diet coke until the saliva in my mouth dries up- until I literally salivate diet coke. I wake up and my pillow is sticky- my drool is diet coke, my urine is diet coke, my bones are diet coke, my heart is diet coke, my life is diet coke. Diet coke, diet coke. Diet fucking coke.

**It's hard not to think about the old times, how hard I had to work to become like I am today.**

"Alright! It's time to turbo charge!" The blatantly peppy 'kettle works-kettle-bell' exercise instructor flailed his arms above his head, moving his knees up and down with an inhuman amount of speed, and to make things worse- he's acting like he's on ecstasy. His happiness is so unusual for someone who is working out so hard. Deidara moaned, sweat dripping down his face, he dropped to the ground, pressing his knees into the carpet, he leaned forwards- quickly forcing himself to do the 'girl' version of push-ups. He wasn't fit enough to do the regular 'guy ones'

**I used to spend an hour before school, running through an exercise tape that I found at a smelly old garage sale. **

"Your body is the ultimate machine! Work through the burn! You'll thank me in the morning when your butt looks as good as mine!"

**I loathed this man. He had everything, his job in life was to look pretty- act as a thinspirational coach.**

Deidara's vision fogged, his mouth was too dry-

This is nothing. **I would tell myself**

There is nothing wrong with exercise, it is _healthy._ **So healthy.**

I am not losing weight for that kid. ** I was losing weight for him, and everyone else.**

"To be honest, he's kind of chubby."

"Almost there!" The man grins, as if this is the most pleasurable thing he's ever done in his life. "Can you FEEL that fat melting off of your body?" The crowd cheers, as if rolls are literally falling at their feet with each repetition they do. Deidara moans with pleasure as the tape finally ends. "You guys did a great job! I've got one final exercise for you- reach over and pat yourself on the back! See you next time!" Deidara switches off the television and he is free to collapse onto his couch for a few feeble moments. He gasps for precious air, fingers pressing against his ribs as the world flickers on and off like a light-switch.

I'm not doing this because that kid called me fat.

I'm doing it for me, _I'm doing it to become healthy._

**_XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx_**

"Deidara, is that all you're going to eat?" Fast forward a year, and Deidara is sitting at the lunch-table, thirty pounds lighter, thirty pounds unhappier. He is sipping his bottle of diet coke, unpacking a tiny little carton of naked lettuce, carrots, and cucumbers. He pokes the articles around with his fork, eyes blank and unattracted to the tasteless veggies in front of him.

"Yes." He murmurs, tucking his jaw underneath his palm.

"Deidara, you can't live off of diet coke." Pein scolds him. Yes I can.

"Uhg, what are you my mother? Un."

"Deidara." Itachi pipes in now, his eyes are narrowed and his tone suggests that 'Shit just got real' The dark haired boy pushes his hot-dog towards Deidara. "Deidara- you should eat some protein." Itachi added on, crossing his arms as he waited for the blonde to eat it.

What was I going to do?

They would tell someone if I didn't eat it.

But, I couldn't... I just couldn't.

"Alright." I force a smile, and reach for it- stuffing it into my mouth so fast that ketchup dribbles down my chin.

The group shares a laugh, Kisame pats Deidara on the back, and hides his cringe when he can feel ever knotch in the boy's spine.

"See Deidara!" Kisame prods. "No matter how girly you look, you're still a man! Us men need MEAT."

Everyone is content with pretending that Deidara is alright. That eating that hot-dog was all they needed to see.

They don't understand that... That was the first time I ever discovered purging.

_**XxXxXxXxXxXxXx**_

"Deidara." Kakuzu growls, eyes dark as he steps into the blonde's room.

"Yes? Un?"

"Do you know what a blowjob is?"

_**XxXXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**_

_Memories. All of them are memories. All of them are fluttering through his brain like birds, teasing him- reminding him of what has come to be. Strange and silly thoughts like to find their way into your mind when you're laying in a hospital bed. Silly thoughts like to chime in with the heart monitor, they like to squeeze the diet coke out of your blood stream. _

**'Bleep' **_you're_ **'bleep'** _still_ '**bleep' **_too_ **'bleep'** _fat. _

Deidara has been awake now for a few hours- too afraid to open his eyes. Too afraid to see whats sticking into his arms- he knows that they're IVs, pumping liquid calories into his body, stuffing him with tasteless jelly donuts- fried chicken- marshmallow cream- chocolate silk pie, gallons and gallons of thick juicy, salty, lard rewiring his lean system. He's too afraid to look, too afraid to face the people who shuffle quietly around him- too afraid to see the ghosts, pressing kisses to his cheeks. Too afraid to face Hidan.

Sasori.

His eyes open at the very thought of the red haired angel, and suddenly he is enveloped with white. His heart monitor hitches as a low moan addresses his lips, he presses a cautious hand to his eyes, regretting awakening from his 'self induced coma'.

"Deidara?"

The blonde sucks in a quick breath, the foreign voice whispers his name like it cares. A female- pshhh… Deidara didn't care for female-kind, with their skinny waists, their thin legs. "Deidara. Are you awake?" She sets a soft hand to Deidara's forehead, riling a soft. "Mom?" From his lips.

Stupid Deidara. You know she's not your mom.

"My name is Nurse Brown. Deidara, how are you feeling?"

"Not good." Deidara whispers.

"That's understandable, Deidara. You've been asleep for three days."

Three days. Sleeping, dreaming.

Deidara tried opening his eyes again, he hissed softly as that mangy light decides to pester him again, but it comes easier this time. The woman standing in front of him was an older nurse, probably in her late thirties. She had a puffy face, and a body that screamed 'I SMOKE CIGARETTES'. She had rocket red lipstick on making her look like an old '1950's' lady, and in her left hand she had a clipboard, she seemed very interested with the numbers on it. To his right is a small coffee table with a pitcher of some unknown blue liquid. Deidara's mind is suddenly a computer, rolling through countless amounts of useless information "Blue kool-aid, calorie content- unacceptable."

To his left, was the dreaded IV.

"That's right." It whispered softly, leaning in close so it could press its disgusting lips to Deidara's cheekbone. "I'm inside you right now." It gives a low shuffly laugh, spewing it's insides into Deidara's veins, his disgusting juices simmer into Deidara's being, burning his flesh. "That's right Deidara- I've been inside you for three days straight. Violating you, you little whore."

He had to get it out.

"Get it out." Deidara growled, wrapping his fingers around the IV- snapping the tape with a pleasurable "UFF!" He made more progress, moaning as the needle 'fwaped' right out of his skin.

"Deidara!" Nurse Brown. The ugly cow. She wants to ruin Deidara's plan. She doesn't hear the IVs voice. That nasty voice. _"I'm inside you Deidara."_

The blonde pushed the IV to the ground, tearing the covers off of his legs. He has a minimal amount of time- a few seconds to escape. He was going to take those chances. He was going to harbor those precious minutes and use them to his advantage- he was going to taste air again. He rolled off of the bed stumbling as the chords form the heart monitor stopped his journey- it took a moment, but soon those were on a meager pile as well.

But, something wasn't right.

He didn't remember his legs feeling so… Noodlie

The floor didn't taste so good, the blood from his chipped tooth choked him, his cheek didn't feel so swell pressing against cold stone floor. That was it, his fuse was spent. He was literally unable to move.

"Doctor! I need a doctor!" The nurse cowers like Deidara is a mouse.

_I'm about to lose my mind, you've been gone for so long- I'm running out of time. I need a doctor call me a doctor, I need a doctor doctor, to bring my back to life._

* * *

_Pein_

* * *

He's done it this time.

Pein pressed a trembling hand over his forehead, it was only a matter of time until the aspirin would kick and and his headache would be masked away with sweet jubilee.

Kisame was at Pein's feet, leaning backwards so that his head could rest against Pein's knees, occasionally the blue haired gentleman would reach up and take Pein's hand- sucking away any and all sympathy the other had to offer. Itachi sat in a chair by himself- fingers wrapped carelessly around a cup of coffee that he'd grabbed three hours ago- it had failed to touch his lips a single time yet. His legs were pressed to his chest, earning him a half feedle position. Itachi had never looked so vulnerable in his entire life.

Zetsu was poking the buttons on the pop machine, wondering if maybe he could trick the thing into giving him a free pop. His back was hunched over and his face was scrunched together, he looked like he hadn't gotten to sleep in years.

"This is bullshit! They said we could visit him today!" Pein growled. "What the fuck was he doing! Pulling a stunt like that. The little bastard almost DIED."

Kisame nods, lazily outstretching his leg.

"We knew about this, and we never told anyone." Itachi's voice is a somber bombshell, rocking everyone back to a sick reality. Zetsu stopped poking buttons, guilt suddenly anchoring his arms.

"Itachi-" Kisame warns him softly. The blue haired man stood up so quickly that Pein had to catch his breath.

"Itachi." Kisame repeats, eyes soft as he strides over to the other. "Come here." Kisame ordered, large hands wrapping around the cup. Itachi's face doesn't move- he doesn't crack a single ounce of weakness for Kisame to see, but he doesn't say anything- he makes no move to defend himself, he makes no move to push Kisame away- or grab his coffee back.

He might as well have been crying in Kisame's eyes.

"Come here." Kisame murmurs, grabbing the smaller man in a comfortable looking hug.

There is a long silence as the inhabitants of the room take in the sight to behold.

Itachi says nothing, he simply takes the hug as it is- an act of kindness. A fluffy moment where neither of them needed to worry about formalities.

"Deidara is allowed to have visitors now." A soft voice flutters over to the group of awe-struck homosexual gentleman. Pein, being his flamboyant self, fluttered to his feet grinning from ear to ear as he shouted a quick 'Thanks honey!'

* * *

Deidara

* * *

"Deidara."

Hidan smiles as he folds his way into the brightly lit hospital room. The blonde can hardly hold back the soft 'hiccup' that follows a gasp- and then a wheeze. Suddenly Deidara is pressing his hand over his face, murmuring soft apologies.

"Shhhhh…" Hidan soothes, his eyes are drowning with sympathy.

"Deidara…" He warns the other. "You have nothing to be sorry about."

The words rumble through Deidara's skull like a bunch of pop-rocks. Of course there is something to worry about- there shouldn't be anything 'worry-free' about this. Deidara just tried to kill himself, he failed. He can't bring himself to answer Hidan. What is there to say? 'Okay! Everything can go back to normal now!'

"I'm sorry..." Deidara murmured again, fingers wrapping around the straps that enveloped his arms.

After trying to escape, the doctors had ordered him to be confined to his bed- over the past hour Deidara had spent most of his time picking the IVs out of his arm. The nurse had threatened him that if he lost weight during his stay at the hospital, he would be forced fed with a feeding tube- Feeding tubes. You hear about them in the horror stories of anorexia fanfiction. They are tucked away, hidden inside the footnotes of thinspiration- the feeding tubes hide inside Deidara's closet, they wait for him underneath his bed- they wait for his feet to swing over the edge so they can sink their rusty claws into his flesh and infect him with sickness.

No feeding tubes.

Deidara just needed to be more clever about this whole IV situation.

"Deidara, your friends are here to see you. Should I let them in?" Nurse Brown question's him.

"Sure. Un." He murmured softly. Even he admitted that he wanted to feel a shred of normalcy, even if that involved getting scolded by flamboyant homosexual deviants.


	8. Badump

Good job good job. Click click click. Good job good job, nod nod nod. She smiles and pokes the buttons on my back. "Tell me I did good again." Good job good job good jo- I stall and she's suddenly so very angry. I don't feel well I don't feel very well. Hah hah hah. Oh god help me, please. I don't want this. CLICK CLICK.

I don't care. _Vwoop._

I don't care.

Make it sto-

**DON'T. CARE.**

You are pathetic.

I will laugh when you get fat. Deletedelete, you're already **FAT.**

I spit the word fat out onto the table in front of me. And suddenly the word squeals, it knocks my diet ( THAT BETTER BE DIET. What if it's not? What if there was a mistake? What if there is sugar? What if I am absorbing faaaat? ) coke over and treads over my salad. Suddenly I've eaten too much and it jumps into my ear, burrowing its way into my brain, it pokes some controls in there and suddenly I lift my head up, the puppet strings flex and my knees buckle upwards. "Excuse me." I need to be excused now. The word smiles and laughs, it pokes some more buttons and watches with glee as my bones twitch and ache. 'water water, food food we need food dying so cold, we're dying.'

Hidan looks up at me as I stand. He shoots a smile towards me, but 'FAT' doesn't let me catch the smile. Instead it makes me move to the restroom, it makes me close the door and walk over to the sink. It makes me turn the water on 'scalding' and inhale as much as I can. It makes me fall to my knees.

Me: _Please._ Stop. I don't wanna.

FAT: You want it.

Me: No

FAT: You do.

Me: I do...

FAT: You are a cow.

Me: Yes, my dear.

FAT makes me lean forwards, pressed my collarbone against the porcelain of the toilet, in front of me is my absolution- my catharsis, the only thing in this world that is certain. It is certain that within a single moment the food within my belly will exist in the bowl.

I lurch.

The first time is the worst, the drool, it tastes like bubbly sick.

I lurch again.

The second time is the worst, the bile stings my cheeks.

I lurch again and again.

The third and the fourth times are the worst. My belly screams.

Goodbye.

.

Forever.

* * *

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

Why do you do this to yourself?

A grand question, an old aged one. Why do I do this to myself? Hah.

I want to tell you something poetic. I want to spit out something half-heartedly that might sound remotely identifiable, but that wouldn't be the truth. I do this to myself, because I am selfish.

"Hey, goldy locks" piercing eyes lock into my favored eye as a mat of green, blue, black and orange hair made itself visible through the small entry-way into my pretty white room. I winked and half-heartedly pressed my lips into a pucker, eyes dangerously livid. I was just so happy to see my friends, I didn't care about the circumstances- I would do anthing I could to make things seem normal again.

"Kiddo." It is Pein that speaks first as he rounds the corner and sits at my bedside. The mattress lowers slightly as his form makes way next to my own. Itachi, Kisame and Zetsu all flutter at eachother's sides, their eyes are big and confused as if they don't know what to be doing with themselves right now. Pein clears his throat after a long moment of silence. He opens his mouth, and I prepare myself for it- the slew of anger... The growls, the weeps, the worry. I prepare for his voice to wash me away- I prepare for the questions that I am not going to be able to answer.

But-

"We thought we'd lost you Deidara."

And then before I can speak, everyone is curled up on my bed, hugging me.

And we're all a sobbing mess.

* * *

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

"Mmmm... No no no." The steel eyed doctor is spitting nonsense towards me again. He's telling me things I could never understand without a medical background, curling his fingers around a pretty plastic pen providing the room with a gentle 'click clack click.' ( Pretty plastic pen providing. Alliteration. ) But, one thing I do know is that he's frustrated with something, for I've failed the test- the numbers test-. "No no no."

Doctor 1: Low sodium levels, far too low.

Doctor 2: Low calcium levels- your bones are so brittle

Doctor 1: Need more protein need more protein, bad bad bad. You look like a cancer patient.

Doctor 2: Need more water. Water water water.

Doctors 1 and 2: Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights You're pathetic Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights. Electrolights

And then they poke a glass of orange juice and enough pills to make my brain feel nice and foggy onto a fun little tray that attaches to my bed, bend a straw to my lips and scamper away, It's the family's turn now. The family's turn to spit their own numbers at me.

"Deidara."

I turn to see Hidan hunched over, cellphone pressed to his ear and lips pursed. "Drink it." I wonder how much money he's spending to keep me in here- to get me fattened up.

He's been trying to reach Kakuzu for the past few hours, he wants to tell Kakuzu what he sincerely does not want to hear.

"Voicemail again."

I feel so sorry for Hidan, he doesn't deserve any of this. He doesn't deserve to sit in the hospital room with me, making me drink orange juice like a three year old that cannot even feed itself. He looks so tired, with those baggy eyes- those chapped lips... Unkempt hair. He doesn't deserve to spend money on me. But, I don't say anything- I've lost the ability to speak anymore.

All I can see is anymore Sasori. Red and glorious, beautiful. I want to paint that face onto a canvas- but I would never be able to find the perfect shade of red... The ashes inside his eyes and the passion in every sweeping movement of the long beautiful limbs. I could never hope to capture fleeting beauty of a figure like Sasori on such a two dimensional object as paper.

Wow. I need to call him.

"Hidan." The name tastes so strange on my lips... So very strange.

"Hm?"

"Can I use your phone?"

Hidan blinks and remains quiet for a while, I can tell he's thinking- because his long fingers have stopped toying with my bed-sheets. He clears his throat as he uncrosses his legs. "Only if you drink that." He nods to the heaping glass of "130 calories". Clever clever.

I don't want to. I really don't want to, my brain is screaming no, but my body is screaming "OH GOD YES, PLEASE YES. OH SWEET GRACIOUS YES, GIMMIE."- but I crave the sound of that boy's voice. I crave it so very much.

The orange juice knows my mouth. My mouth has a bit of a reputation with food. It claws my throat and screams bloody murder "I don't want to go down there I don't want to!" It burns my throat like acid, and I don't taste a drop of it, it's like a glass of shit. Thirty minutes. It takes me thirty minutes to finish a glass of orange juice and swallow the bounty of pills.

I can't even drink a simple glass of orange juice.

Hidan has tears in his eyes, but he's smiling. "Very good Deidara. You're getting your color back."

I wonder if he can even taste his lies anymore.

My fingers dance over the dials, and the menial task seems so unordinary to me. For the past few days all that I've done is listen to clip-boarded vitals, listen to my friends cry- watch Hidan wither away before me, and spend thirty minutes trying to drink orange juice. Now I'm calling a friend... I'm calling a very good friend. Simply calling a friend- not to discuss my diet- simply to talk.

I'm simply calling. So simple, so easy- so beautiful.

So nerve wracking!

Sasori was talking to me the night before... Was he the one saved my life? He had to have been.

Hidan's sleeping now. His body is hunched backwards in the chair, and his mouth is slightly ajar- good, he needs to sleep. I'm going to need some privacy.

"_Rrriiiiinnnng."_

"_Riiiinnnnnnng..."_

I wait. And I wait and I wait. Nobody answers.

Unable to give up, I decide to try again. My fingers dance along the keys faster this time. I've got all the time in the world. I'll call him thirty-seven times if I have to.

"_Riiiiiinnnng."_

"_Riiiinnnnng..."_

"_Riiiinnnnnnng..."_

"_Riiinnnng..."_

"Hello...?"

A voice! I'm so surprised I nearly forget to speak- It's not Sasori's voice... It's a woman's, an elderly woman's voice.

"Oh, hi- I uh..." I hadn't prepared myself to speak to anyone other than my red-haired beauty, so I'm completely caught off guard. "Is Sasori able to speak?"

There is a long silence on the other end of the phone, and for a moment I wonder if the woman has hung up.

"I'm sorry, who did you say you where?"

"Oh, uhm I'm sorry I didn't say- my name is Deidara."

Another long pause.

"Ah, well Deidara. Sasori is in the hospital right now."

It's funny. I can't seem to swallow my spit anymore. It all wells up inside my throat, it curls into a huge ball and pulsates like a tumor, it blocks my air passages and I can't breath anymore... I can only struggle, I can only implore further.

"What?"

"He was in a car accident three days ago-"

**Badump.**

"Pretty bad shape-"

**Badump.**

"Almost died-"

**Badump.**

"Bloodloss-"

**Badump.**

"Amputated-"

**Badump.**

* * *

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

I'm happy Hidan is sleeping, because if he were awake he would have killed me.

It was a difficult task to yank the wires out of my veins again- after just being released of my chains for a little while it's going to suck having to have them back. The doctors made it very clear that if I were to mess with my IVs I would never be able to move in my bed again during my stay.

The machines are having a field day as I sprint out of the room, they're screaming red-alert and it's only a matter of time before the room is filled with doctors, ready to revive a dead boy. The world spins before my eyes, and darkness creeps up in my vision as I move for the first time in what feels like years.

Sasori is here. He's in this very hospital! He's hurt. I _have to find him._

"Excuse me." I sound so desperate, and I must look like a fish out of water. I'm in a hospital gown with drops of blood bubbling up where the IVs have been removed.

"I need to find someone. Can you help me?"

The woman at the front desk looks like she's seen a ghost, but thankfully she doesn't ask me too many questions. Perhaps she's new. I don't question my luck, I thank god for it.

Sasori's room is on the third floor of the recovery unit. Mine is on the first. His room number is 305. It's all I need to hear, and I'm off before she can ask me anything.

The stairs take me on a journey, my knees burn and remind me of my thousands of stairs taken on the 'stairstepper 900' my burning thighs, those burned calories. And by the time I've reached the very top I can't feel my fingers anymore. My heart feels funny in my chest.

Have to find Sasori

Have to find Sasori.

**Have to find Sasori.**

The world is spinning, and I feel like a tiny little bug on a giant canvas. The hospital is rocking, and my knees are bucking. Where is room 305?

302

303

304

"305."

Sasori is in there, my dear sweet broken Sasori-

I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my hands, I can't feel anything.

Just as I reach for that door knob, that simple object that is going to provide me absolution.

The world goes **black.**


	9. Peppermint Lady

This chapter is dedicated to Infinite vertigo, because as I was writing my last chapter I couldn't help but to think to myself "I wonder if anyone is going to comment on my immense use of Onomatopoeia :'D.

Quick little chapter because I felt like it, I know, it's weird for me to update so quickly after another update. I want to use this opportunity to open myself up to people, to my fans. If you struggle with anorexia or bulimia and need to talk- I'm a PM away. I wont scold you, or try to tell you everything everybody else does- but what I will do is listen. I like to listen.

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

* * *

"Your hands are cold."

I look at her, but I don't really _look. _I see through that peppermint smile, those sly eyes which hold a longing to be somewhere else. She reminds me of a bird with the way her neck crooks to a fro, with the way her eyes take in the sights of the room before us. She is just another therapist- just another lady who will give me some pills to swallow. Pills to make me feel reeeeaaaal good.

My hands are cold? What a silly thing to say.

She knows. I know. We all know, my hands can never be cold.

"Mm." I give her the first sound that finds its way to my lips, I'm almost sorry that It's all I have to give, it's all that I've got to my name.

"Your numbers don't look too good, do they Deidara?" She states softly, fingers curling through the page of numbers that have failed to meet her expectations.

"Mm."

She doesn't say anything right away, she simply stares, and I almost wish that she would speak instead. Her eyes remain glued to me for a moment... And she looks sad- so unexplainably sad. And then, with a softness about her that I do not expect, she whispered the words "What have you done to yourself? How did this start?"

It's rather queer how_ it _starts. Anorexia.

In the beginning it's an instantanious burst of euphoria which burns your fingertips like freshly lit tobacco –German of course- never had a taste for the English lot– and then it shakes the world beneath your feet.

You're drenched with the queerest need to remove the humanly flesh from your bones. Peeling and twisting and scraping, a dull task- rather dull, rather queer, but a task nonetheless and you of all people know that a task is nothing to shake your nose at. You, dear, _you_ must complete this task, because if you don't it's never going to leave you alone.

It's rather queer how it continues.

When every flake of flesh is gone and all that remains is snowy white equilibrium, you remember that you aren't meant to live without skin and so you begin to grow afraid, very afraid, it's the queerest sense of fear.

And so, to get rid of the fear, you pluck the hairs out of your head, and you burn your eyeballs and scrape your being.

And then as you lay dying, you wonder if it's possible that you aren't afraid anymore.

This is what It is. And this is how it ends. The queerest little end.

"You do realize, Deidara- that if you continue on like this, you will most certainly meet your end."

"Mm."

"Can you speak to me, Deidara? Can you say anything other that 'Mm?'"

"No, un."

The therapist is a peppermint lady. Why do I call her a peppermint lady, you might ask? Her lips are big and red, and her teeth are bleached white. Peppermint ladies are a rare bunch, but I have seen my fair share in life, they are usually far different from peppermint men ( of which are a much different story for another time). This particular peppermint lady is not kind, not sweet and most certainly not minty.

"I just want to see Sasori, yeah."

Ah, there we go. She knows she's struck a chord with me, because that peppermint smile is back and her fingers dance over the clipboard.

"Sasori. Yes. That's who you were trying to get to yesterday, wasn't it?"

I don't need to give her an answer, she's asking me stupid questions.

I passed out yesterday. I ran and I ran, I got so excited that I forgot that my body is made out of jello- and so I tasted the ground, delicious ground. Luckily it wasn't a hard-core passing out session, just a little black-out... A calm little faint that left me unconscious for a few meager moments. But, when the doctors found me collapsed outside of someone's hospital room- I got in trouble.

The straps are painful, they keep me unfairly bound to the bed. I struggle a bit within their grasp, perhaps with the intent of wiggling free.

"I must say Deidara, you don't look very good chained down." The therapist lady doesn't make any sense. She's never made any sense. I hate therapists. "Now. Sasori knows you were trying to reach his room, and he's insistent on being allowed to see you, but Deidara-" Her voice trails off, and the amazing story she had begun to tell me suddenly sounds like a fallacy. "Deidara. You are not going to be allowed to see him until you actually speak with me. Alright?" She removes her hand from mine, and for a moment I'd forgotten it was even there. "Talk to me Deidara. Tell me why, tell my why you've done this?"

My eyes shift uncomfortably around the room. Hidan is surprisingly missing. When I'd been dragged back to my room he was gone. He must have been unable to take the stress anymore. Hmm.

"Deidara."

There she goes again, using my name as if it's hers to use as freely as she wants to.

"Because. Isn't it obvious? I wanted to die."

Therapist lady writes something down, and I scoff- shouldn't that much be obvious?

"Why did you want to die?"

A harder question to answer. It's not something I can answer so simply.

"..."

"Let me rephrase that, Deidara. Why were you unhappy that evening?"

"Because, Hidan found out-"

"Found out about the starving?"

"Yeah, un."

She nods, scribble scribble, nod, scribble scribble. How does that make you feel? Scribble scribble. Bad. Scribble Scribble.

"You chose an interesting way to try. Didn't you?"

I'm a little surprised with how direct she's being. It catches me off guard, and so I squirm around a little in my seat. Her eyes shimmer and what do you know? She scribbles.

"I didn't want to be just another kid slitting his wrists."

"Self-harm is self-harm Deidara. You're methods are a little... more damaging, unfortunately. But, just as you feel yourself beautiful with thighs a quarter of an inch around, someone else feels beautiful with a sleeve of scars."

I don't like this peppermint lady. She knows too much.

"Deidara. Your friends love you so much, Hidan loves you so much. Kakuzu loves you so much-"

"No he doesn't." That name. "Kakuzu is a piece of filth." I tighten my grip, and my fingers turn white as the blood in my body flushes away. Kakuzu- this is the first time I've thought of him since being awake... I'd nearly purged myself of his memory.

"Deidara?"

I look up and realize that the therapist lady had been speaking- I missed it, I missed every word.

"Mm.. Uhm... What? Sorry."

She says nothing for a while, eyes knitted into a state of concern. She's stopped writing and is simply staring now.

"I asked why you think that Deidara. Why do you think Kakuzu is a piece of filth?"

I almost tell her. But, I don't. I've accepted something. I've lived so long with Kakuzu at ease, I've lived with him. I've lived with him because that's what a grown-up needs to do. He provides for us, he provides for Tobi. Oh sweet Tobi I miss him. I think of that boy's sweet face and I lose myself- a tear. A single tear flutters down my cheek and hits my lap.

I'm trembling now.

"Deidara?"

"I- just..." I'm not crying for Kakuzu. I'm not. "I just miss my brother."

I can taste the silence in the air along with the salty wet of my tears.

"Deidara, I'd like to schedule meetings with you- twice a week. I think it will be good for you." She writes something down and sets it off to the side on a little table. Medicine probably, stuffing for my already cotton filled brain.

I don't say anything, and she's gone as fast as she's come.

For a moment I don't think. I don't even breath- I just lay there and stare at the ceiling, shivering as fat is pumped back into my veins. I can feel myself getting bigger- my thighs are getting bigger. Years and years of pain and suffering are melting away, replaced with cellulite- and all I can do is watch.

_"Hello?" _And then a voice echoes out through my room, shocking me out of my thoughts.

I'd forgotten.

I'd forgotten about Sasori.

I turn to the door. The direction the voice had come from. I turn and I feel my jaw drop.

Beautiful brilliant red hair. A shimmering beacon of life is standing in my doorway. Half-lidded eyes are pointed in my direction, and it is all that I can do not to die. My entire being feels pulled towards the entity in the doorway, the boy with the rosy lips- the hazlenut eyes, the long graceful posture that mimics that of a dancer.

I see in his eyes a life that I would have never known if I hadn't been in his presence for even an instant.

How can just looking at someone change my life so much? How can smelling the same air as a person make my lungs feel so much stronger, or feeling my lips part for an instant- the memory of a kiss shared long ago.

"Sasori." I love the taste of his name. It's as dangerously beautiful as he is.

He's standing so still, and he looks so sad.

And then I see his left arm. It's prosthetic, I can already tell by looking at it- it's joints are exaggerated, and obviously puppet-like. His lips are pursed and he looks like hell warned over. Long feral bruises dance along his pallid skin, he has a black eyes, stitches along his jaw, and he looks slightly out of breath.

"Deidara, I'm so happy that you're alive." And then in an instant he envelopes me in beautiful warmth and I release myself into him.

"I'm so sorry." I sob into his flesh, and Sasori sobs back. His body is on top of me in the biggest embrace I've ever known.

"It's not your fault." He inhales sharply, and for an instant does not sound like himself- his lungs sound crumpled and he sounds like he's struggling to breath. How injured is really?

I feel so guilty. I'm lying in a bed because I selfishly tried to kill myself. Sasori is missing an arm and is suffeting because he self-lessly tried to save my life.

"I was... So afraid." Sasori whispered into my ear. "I was so afraid that you would die."

He pulled away from me and blinked , making direct eye-contact. "I was stupid. I wasn't paying attention and I was going too fast and... and I'm lucky nobody died."

There is a tension in the air so thick now that the hospital machines pick up on it- and my heart rate quickens with the little 'beepbeepbeepbeepbeep' of the heart monitor.

"I want to-" Sasori begins with a whisper, his eyes can barely meet mine as his hand tightens around the fabric of my gown. If I could move I would wrap my fingers around his hand. "I just-" And then he does it.

I can taste something wonderful, flowers maybe- something beautiful. His lips are so warm against my own, and it is all I can do not to reach out with my whole being and latch my soul onto his- I feel as though it might be possible. A kiss. A hospital kiss shared within the white confines of the room.

I_ don't know if things are going to be alright._

I _don't know if I want to keep living. Or if I want to die._

I _don't know if Sasori will ever forgive me for what I've done to him, his arm._

And I don't know what to do about Kakuzu.

But, I do know that Sasori is here now, his lips are upon my own and that's all I need to know. "I was so scared." His words muffle into my face and his tears stain my cheeks. The machines are 'beep beep beeeeep'ing and I think there is an awkward pair of nurses standing in the room as well.

But, it doesn't matter.

Only Sasori matters right now.


	10. Giving Up

Make no mistake, we are judging you.

We notice what you're eating, and we notice each and every individual calorie you ingest. We watch your saliva generate, and we even shift our eyes down your throat and watch your stomach acid do its work, we inhale and exhale and follow your colon and we follow your intestines and we tremble and shake and wish we could be like you.

We wish we could

"That looks good."

Honestly.

'Want some?"

No.

Really?

"You sure?"

Fuck you.

And then after they've looked away and begin eating again, you gouge out their eyes for having the absolute audacity to ask you such an inappropriate question.

* * *

"Deidara, if you are able to gain at least ten pounds- we will release you from the hospital and you will be able to go back to normal life."

Hidan shifted uncomfortably at Deidara's side as he balanced his cell-phone on his cheek. He knows, Deidara knows, we all know- Deidara could probably just end up trying to kill himself again.

"I'm sure you've heard of this-" The doctor points to a rather intimidating looking contraption wheeled in the corner of the room, of course he'd heard of it. He'd noticed it the moment the doctors wheeled that thing into his room. The feeding tube. "It's a feeding tube Deidara, and if you fail to raise your vitals, your father has agreed to sign the papers allowing us to carry on force-feeding you. I tell all of the patients like you the same thing, I truly do hope that it doesn't come to that."

The doctor stands to his feet, eyes somber as he nods to one of the nurses who scurried over to Deidara's side. The peppermint lady hadn't spoken to him since he'd made his grand-escape, Deidara didn't think she found his presence as particularly pleasant as she used to. Within her grasp is a plethora of food resting on an ugly white tray.** Disgusting. **

You have to be very careful with hospital food. The pro-ana bible in Deidara's brain begins spouting her information. They pump it full of lard. You'll gain thirty pounds by the end of this visit and they will still keep you. They will keep you in their bear-trap, and when your ankles are full of puss and you're dying of infection they will continue to force food down your throat. When you've bloated up, and your will is shot and you sweat lard- they willing finally release you. Finally. But, it will be too late. You'll be a fatty.

Deidara didn't give the doctor an acknowlegement, and he flinched when he felt the strength of Hidan's hand wrap around his own. "You can do it Deidara."

**I can't do it. **

They sit there for a while, and they even bring Sasori in.

**Why would they bring Sasori in? How can I say no to Sasori?**

Sasori's eyes are sad and he looked tired, he squirms around a bit in his wheelchair- he doesn't have the strength, or perhaps the will to stand on his own- "Deidara. You have to eat. Please, do it for me." The red-haired angle sets his hand down on Deidara's, he eyes the constraints around Deidara with distaste. "Please, I don't like seeing you so sick like this."

**He's playing so dirty, but I can't say no to him. **

"Okay." Deidara whispered the word reluctantly and he could feel his bones tremble when Sasori smiled.

**I just want to see him smile. **

But, then Deidara's tongue burned when it touched the jell-o. Sasori has to leave because it's time for them to change his bandages, and Deidara's stomach is convulsing. Sasori is gone now, and Deidara didn't feel like he had to digest the filth any longer.

"Dei." Hidan's voice is a thick warning in the stuffy hospital air. "Don't do anything, alright?" He seems to know what Deidara is thinking, he's sitting on the edge of his chair- eyes widened, taking in each and every one of Deidara's movements. He knows Deidara too well.

Before anyone can stop Deidara, he's leaned over the side of the bed, and his finger is half-way down his throat. He could feel the tickle against his insides, and he gagged. Deidara threw up the jello, and some fun stomach acid- he gagged and spewed and heaved until some nurses have their hands running up and down Deidara's back.

It's been decided. It's time to use the feeding tube.

Hidan ran a hand through his hair, eyes squeezed as he rubbed his eyes. These three days had been the longest three days of his life, and it was time for him to go home. Kakuzu had not been answering his phone calls, and that much was enough to add to the tremendous amount of stress bubbling out of his system.

I couldn't bear to see them force that tube down Deidara's throat, he just couldn't bear to watch Deidara do this to himself, he didn't want to see that empty shell of a boy any longer. But, he couldn't leave this for him to face on his own.

"He's going to get better." Itachi, one of Deidara's childhood friends, followed by that tirade of ornery teenagers- their absolute sassiest leader being Pein wavered behind the group. It was so strange to see each of them so very quiet, and he hated it. Cracking the absolute largest smile that he could possibly muster Hidan reached out and ruffled Itachi's hair like he was a four year old.

"Yeah." Was Hidan's only answer.

"We'll keep him company, you gotta go home Mr. Hidan. You gotta get your beauty rest honey." Pein's voice was comforting and Hidan rubbed his forehead. "And your beauty shower and your beauty meals and your beauty toilet break." Pein was pushing Hidan now, eyes wide with insistence.

"You guys are great friends to Deidara." Hidan smiled, pocketing his hands. "Take care of that blondie, will you?"

Zetzu raised his hand in a mock-salute and the others slowly followed.

"Wouldja just get outta here already?" Kisame's voice was next, making Hidan roll his eyes, chuckling softly as he waved his hand.

"Yeah yeah yeah." He winked, and then he turned around. It was time to go.

Hidan couldn't seem to find any thoughts in his brain. He couldn't find any thoughts when he pressed the button to the elevator, he couldn't find any thoughts when he walked down the hallway into the main lobby of the hospital, he couldn't find any thoughts when he waved at the lady when she offered him a cheerful goodbye. There weren't any thoughts when he pressed the 'unlock' button to get into his car, and he couldn't find any when he put the key into the ignition.

He was thoughtless, he couldn't find anything. No emotion, no wants. Only a need.

He needed to get home, and he needed to kiss Tobi and hug Kakuzu's neck. He needed to tell them that Deidara was going to be alright.

* * *

The house looked so normal paralleled to the last evening Hidan had been to it. The walls had been decorated in the red and blue light of the security vehicles. Hidan ran a hand through his hair and winced, it was like one giant ball of grease, one disgusting heap of oily mass. Disgusting. He needed a shower and he needed one now.

"Hello?" Hidan could hardly swallow his eagerness as he opened the door. "I'm home!" His voice echoed throughout the quiet house.

Nothing.

"Kakuzu? Tobi! I'm home!"

Nothing.

That was peculiar. Perhaps Kakuzu and Tobi were sleeping?

"Hello?" Hidan started towards the staircase, eyes squinted. He crossed his arms and sighed as he began the journey up the staircase. His footsteps made a strange echoing sound, as if the house were emptier than usual. Up up up he went, and then he noticed something very peculiar. The furniture was missing.

He inhaled sharply when he got a look at the living room, just visible from the fourth step up the staircase. It was bare. The couch the chairs the television the coffee table. Everything was gone.

"Hello!" His voice rose a pitch and his fingers suddenly felt very numb as he pounded up the stairs. "Tobi! Kakuzu!" Hidan's voice cracked.

When he reached the upstairs, he looked into his room and saw that his computer was gone, his bed was gone... Even some of his clothes.

"What the hell! Where is everything Kakuzu!" He pressed a hand to his chest and couldn't seem to breath enough. There was a giant lump in his throat that he couldn't swallow, there was a dash of sweat on his brow that wouldn't cease.

* * *

The doctors opened the door, all in all there was three of them. Two to hold my head still, one of the to work the machine. There was two nurses which accompanied the men, they were simply there to ensure that the doctors didn't need any extra man power for the boy with a body mass index of 16.5.

Deidara's heart shuttered, and the monitor picket up his fear.

* * *

"Tobi! Where are you?" Tobi's room... He would have to look in Tobi's room. But, he was frightened. What was he going to find in there?

He stood in front of the closed door, eyes wide as he took in the picture that Tobi had made. It was a picture of Deidara and Tobi holding hands, with him standing directly behind them. Kakuzu hadn't been added to the picture, he never thought to question the boy why he'd chosen to leave their second daddy out of it.

He wrapped his fingers around the door knob, lips tucked under his bottom teeth.

* * *

Deidara struggle, he kicked under his restraints, and thrashed his head back and fourth. The tendons and muscles in his neck screamed and shuttered and twitched. No doubt about it... He was giving himself some very nasty whip-lash. He pulled and pulled and pulled and managed to squeeze his arm out of the restraints, he quickly punched one of the doctors in the face. Though he was weak and it would have not been enough to injure the man. That was the deciding factor. They would sedate him.

The peppermint woman looked sad, her eyes were somber as she tapped the shot filled with brain-fuzzy juice.

It felt like liquid ice as it entered Deidara's veins.

Moments passed by, and he could no longer move. He felt like sleeping.

* * *

Hidan gasped as the door opened. There was Tobi, there was his young beautiful Tobi propped up against his bed. The boy's eyes were open wide with the fresh trickle of tears streaming down his face. A white gag had been placed in his mouth and Hidan could tell that the poor Toddler had vomited into it, there were long grotesque cascades of puke dabbing the sides of his mouth and the tattered shirt he was wearing.

"Oh... Ohh tobi, whose done this to you?" Hidan's fingers trembled. There were long cloth binds wrapping around his young limbs. He couldn't seem to get them off fast enough, he reached forwards and pulled the gag out of the boy's mouth, eyes wide with concern. "Oh baby. My poor baby." He whispered as soon as Tobi's eyes crumbled and the boy fell into Hidan's lap. Tobi released a few long winded sobs, wrapping his fists around Hidan's shirt.

"Sweetheart. What's happened to you?" He whispered softly, pressing a kiss to the boy's head of dark hair. Tobi didn't say anything, he simply remained a crumble mass of crying boy.

* * *

The doctor's steadied Deidara's head, they would put the tube down his nose. Applying the lubricant carefully to the tip of the tube, the doctors pressed the nozzle into Deidara's face.

It felt weird, really weird. he hated it.

The tube slithered down his throat, into his tummy, it released its poison into his system. And Deidara suddenly understood. He understood that he was going to have to give up.

* * *

Tobi looked bruised, his left eyes was a black and blue mess, and he seemed to be gentle with his left hand.

"Tobi. Where is everything?"

Silence.

"Tobi. Where is Kakuzu?"

Tobi shuttered at this, and he uttered his words softly. "Gone."


End file.
